I Know a BLD

It happened. Someone I know in real life had to "unannounce" on Facebook that he was going to be a dad because his baby died. I've mentioned before this evil part of me that wants bad things to happen to other people too sometimes. But when I heard that it did, I was in tears. I was so sad for him. He's a baby loss dad, and if ever they existed, it's my friend. Said he wanted to be a dad since he was a kid himself. He is a stepdad to two boys, but he knows it's not the same. I just sent his wife a Facebook email, though I don't know her at all. When I was riding bikes with my friend he was married to someone else. I stopped into his work the other day, which is at a retail store near my office, and he told me about their diagnosis, and their terrible choice to end the pregnancy. So I think I am still wearing my babylost on my sleeve by reaching out to her and sending a complete stranger a sappy email, but at least this time I know that something went wrong. My friend is keeping himself busy and making resolutions to get in better shape and eat better and otherwise distract himself and I worry that she is not understanding his grieving process and thinking that he is not understanding hers. But I didn't say that part in my email. I will see if she wants some BLM company. This sucks.

Why I Run

Literally, like jogging, not figuratively.

Because while running, I decided that I will not berate myself when I feel jealous seeing pregnant women, or women with many young children, or for feeling bad after someone announces her pregnancy. Instead of saying, "I should not feel jealous, this has nothing to do with me and my situation," I will tell myself, "You are sad right now because this is a reminder that you were pregnant for 25 weeks but your baby died before he was born. You got unlucky and something rare and terrible happened to you. You miss your little boy who is not here. It's OK to feel sad, and it's going to be OK and you are going to feel better again."

After the run I got back in the car and the show on NPR was about being kind to yourself and not thinking about what you should do or be, because that only ever makes you feel worse. Truth.

Anyway, I am still thinking so much about pregnant yoga teacher/friend. I just wonder what would make her think that she couldn't get pregnant. I mean, if she didn't really want to get pregnant, or didn't want to get pregnant right now, then why didn't she try not to get pregnant? Maybe there was a reason why she thought she couldn't get pregnant. I don't know. That's the thing, you know? I don't know anything about anybody else's story, I just look at what I see and feel bad about what I want but don't have. And I could say "don't yet have," i.e. more kids, but the fact is I will never completely have what I want because he is dead and gone. So I just think, how could you find out you're pregnant and be not excited to have a baby? I can see why she doesn't have an abortion, but really, if she doesn't want to have a baby, she doesn't have to have a baby. And if she's not excited about having a baby, maybe she could just keep that to herself around people who would do ANYTHING to have their baby who's not here.

I'm not angry with her, I am just really confused. And jealous. Always fucking jealous. Just want to be pregnant again. And yet I say every week I will stop nursing during the day and I just don't stop. This evening I thought, what if I were at least pregnant by the time Sprout is two? And that didn't sound so terrible. I am curious now, too...do I want to be pregnant again so badly because I want more kids and think my clocking is ticking? Or is it because I lost that first pregnancy and it was so devastating that I just want to be back in my pregnant state, as if it never happened? Like will I wish I was pregnant forever now? Or just until I have more kids? And then, what if I can't have more kids? Etc. Etc.

But I will be kind to myself. I will remember why I feel bad, no matter how much it hurts, instead of making myself feel worse for feeling bad. And I will keep running. No matter how much it hurts. #sorehip #tornhamstring #blisters #shinsplints #sciatica

Anniversary of the Aftermath

The anniversary of the aftermath seems harder this year than last year. Maybe because last year I was pregnant and this year I am back to wishing I were?

I thought I was on a break from feeling crappy about other people's pregnancies but it turns out I am not. My favorite yoga teacher and friend just told me she is pregnant. She didn't seem especially happy when she told me and it turns out she is a bit ambivalent. She and her husband were just married in July and she got pregnant a week later. They had decided to just see what happened, not trying but not not trying, and well. That was easy! Her husband is more excited she said, but he also said he wished they had tried longer. She has a four-year-old from a prior relationship and the last I heard her talking about kids and pregnancies it seemed to me she did not want to have more kids. And after thinking about it a lot I realize that if there are fewer people around me who might or could get pregnant, the better. Of course there will be friends, acquaintances, and friends of friends who might get pregnant, but I can try to prepare for that kind of news. I think I am OK for now, as long as my friend whose baby was born in July doesn't get pregnant with her second before I do. I would not be happy about that. Just sayin'. So yoga teacher, I had her moved into the the "low risk of pregnancy announcements" category, but I was wrong. Along with my cousin who had said she wasn't having more kids and then the next timed I talked to her she was pregnant. I mean, sure, people can change their minds. I know. And it's fine...after awhile. 

I totally appreciate her honesty about her feelings. But it is a major grief trigger for me when I am not expecting to see or hear about a particular pregnancy, and especially so in this case because I first started going to her studio when I was pregnant with Blue. I think when I very first went, I didn't yet know anything was wrong. But I do recall going to her class in the week in between the amnio and The News. The next time I showed up to class, Blue was gone but she remembered. And let's just say that she really was this wonderful, kind soul to me, but now that she's pregnant it is bringing back all those memories and I am quite sad again.

It's only been a day or two now, but it feels sort of like depression, not just sadness. If I'm fine tomorrow then I will know it's not depression and I'm OK. I don't want to take medication anyway, even if I weren't still nursing, so there's nothing to do but maybe see my therapist again. I'm also very bored at my job right now, and feeling underpaid and once again like: why the F did I go to law school to be bored and underpaid in my job????

Mr E. and I had planned to have "no plans" today, but then his dad called like two days ago to invite us over for lunch and so I had to deal with my step-mother-in-law commenting that I had never worn a skirt so long before, they are always "way up here," (and my response that I don't even own a short skirt--turns out it's my dresses that are short, ah!) and then telling me that she just throws away pictures so she doesn't want any of the recent pictures of Sprout that I brought over. She says all this without even showing the photos to my father in law. Look, he's not the most sentimental guy, but I THINK he might want to have a picture or two of his first grandchild. Call me crazy!

Overall it wasn't that bad, but after that we had to go to Dairy Queen for my mint M&M blizzard craving. We had to drive a bit out of our way too, but Sprout was asleep in the car and then a thunderstorm rolled in, so it made sense to just drive around anyway. I wasn't feeling depressed anymore, but I still am thinking how I used to be an adventurer and would normally be traveling on long weekends on rock climbing trips or something else cool you get to do BK--before kids. Don't get me wrong, I wanted my kids more than anything, but I still miss that freedom and all that goes with it. Just like everyone else. But at any rate, to feel like I'm not happy because I'm not out doing the things that make me happy, well there is some truth to that. What's definitely not making me sad are my husband and kid. Well, I guess my kid is, kind of!

After Dairy Queen we had plans to meet friends to play tennis, but the rain, oh the rain. It finally cleared up somewhat spectacularly before sunset, so I went out for a quick run, and then there were still 23 minutes in which the pool at our complex so was still open, so we had a ceremonious last swim, taking turns in the pool or holding the baby, who was smiling and waving at the lifeguard. Now we are finishing up Season 4 of Breaking Bad. (Which might be contributing to feeling of sadness and depression, but like any other addiction I can't stop it!)

More on this topic later though...the aftermath stuff I mentioned in the beginning of this post. Ciao for now.

Grief-Stress-Happy-Baby

My niece was baptized today. Her older brother is almost three, and when he was baptized at six months old I was pregnant with Blue. The godmother to my niece is pregnant and due in February. So the sitting in church thing was a big grief trigger for me. I just thought about how I miss my little guy and tried not to tear up too much.

I am sort of jealous of her (the godmother) pregnancy, but I seem to have calmed down from my obsession that I blogged about a few weeks ago. I don't know how or why, I just had to let some of that bad energy go. I still want to be pregnant again soon, but I am still not menstruating. So. And though of course I keep getting older, I cannot keep stressing about getting too old to have more kids. I just can't.

I am also stressing with work and wondering how the heck I can have more kids and somehow less stress with work? So perhaps I have just transferred the pregnancy envy onto work and family stress generally. Sigh.

I'm concerned I may lose my job, because my workload has been very light for quite some time. This wouldn't exactly be the worst thing, but I don't know what else I would do. Looking for work at a law firm again is very unappealing. Looking for work doing something else feels even worse. Starting a business by default when I am the breadwinner in my family? Ugh. I would love to start a business, but I don't feel like I am ready for that just yet.

Maybe, though I don't tend to think of myself as being particularly high-strung or stressed out generally, maybe I actually am. Or maybe it really is just the pressure of working at a law firm that causes this generalized stress. I never really wanted to work at a firm. I just figured it was something you had to do after law school, and after you put in a few years making beaucoup bucks and hating your life in NYC, then you could move on to whatever you wanted. So it's possible that I am harboring stress over how my current career is not jibing with my ideal--or idealized--career. So many questions, so few answers.

In happy news, I have been showing my dad's horse this summer and that is going great. You can watch me do my thing here (but I don't come on until about 5:25 in the video.) This afternoon Mr. E and I walked over to the municipal golf course and hit a jumbo basket of balls at the driving range while Sprout watched from his stroller. I actually hit well even though I have never actually golfed because I haven't graduated from the driving range yet. It was beautiful weather the past two days--perfect timing--and I also took Sprout in the pool both days and he is so dang cute! Proof below: I actually took this picture myself, and didn't have to color or light-correct, which is also exciting. He actually has blue eyes like that. (From his dad. My eyes are the color of caca.)

Two Years

OK, wow. It's been two years since Blue was here and then not here. There is a candle burning as a symbol of my love for him.

For the first time I recently had the thought, "I wish none of it had ever happened." No unplanned pregnancy that I was so joyous to discover. Then no experience with the ex where I watched him curse at the positive pregnancy test, pull away from me emotionally and physically, encourage me to get an abortion, at some point decide to stick it out for the baby, and generally make me feel sad and miserable about the relationship. But the baby would make up for all of this. Maybe then Chris would see that our life together wasn't so bad. I was so naive. About both the relationship and the pregnancy.

I can only imagine where my life would have taken me in that scenario. Probably back to Colorado. Probably into the arms of a man I already knew, who was ready to have a baby, whether with me or with anyone. But in this scenario I am angry again at the man I was dating when I was 28-29. The first man I moved in with, the first man I really thought I was going to marry. He turned out to be a dick. No, he probably was all along, but he started to become a dick to me too. I only take credit for not marrying him. I do realize my role in picking terrible men for me. That ex and Chris were quite similar in the way they made me feel about myself. So if I look at it that way, I am the only one to blame that I didn't meet someone and start a family a little sooner in life. I am going off on a tangent. It's Blue's 2nd birthday and all I can think about is how old I am and how I want more kids but I feel rushed and now I want a do-over in life. A do-over that doesn't include him at all.

And then I wonder: am I better off knowing him? Or would I have been better off not to have known him? Do I cherish or resent those 25 weeks we spent together? Today, I am not sure.

Birthday
The day I wasn't meant to meet him,
The day he was here and gone,
The days and years go on without him,
But on this day the breeze is always whispering his song.
-E

Anniversary Daze

I have been a bit sad lately, and I realize it's because about this time two years ago the shit started to hit the fan. (That is such a gross visual, sorry!) I am reliving the sadness on various levels. Today, for example, I cried because I thought about how my sister never helped me when I was grieving so violently. She never said, "Hey, I'm coming over and picking you up and we're going to hang out." That hurt as much today as it ever did, if not more. Because today I can see how horrible it all was that no one--actually--said or did that. And I think about how I was trying SO HARD to stick it out in DC, to stick it out with Chris, and FOR WHAT? Why didn't anybody help me? Why did a stranger on the beach think I was going to drown myself in the October ocean off Long Island one morning? I think again how Mr. E saved my life. I do believe that. He was the one calling and saying he was coming over and picking me up so we could hang out.

I realize no one will remember it's Blue's birthday on August 10. I realize this is just so unfair and is just so sad and will never not be. And in a gentler moment I realize that there is still a lot of healing to occur. THIS is what it feels like, two years later.

I keep seeing pregnant women in the park where we live--with their three or four young children in tow. The women who have three or four young children with them, they are always pregnant. Whyyyy? I envy them and their bevy of brats. I try to convince myself that I would envy them anyway, because I started my family a few years later than I really wanted to. I try to convince myself that if Blue had lived, I would still only have one child at this point, that I haven't really lost any time. I try to convince myself that I have all the time I need to have all the children I want. All these things may be true, but they still don't help this bitter, useless feeling to go away. This feeling that many, if not all, of us BLMs feel at one point or all points after loss: that other people's pregnancies suck for us. I want, so badly, to stop feeling bad when I see a pregnant woman. I want to stop feeling the need to stare at her belly, to wonder if she's feeling smug about this pregnancy. Because...we know where the thoughts go next.

So yeah, kinda feels like I've made very little progress in the last year. Which seems impossible considering the fact that I did give birth to a wriggly, wrinkly son (very wriggly, not so wrinkly anymore). His arrival made some thoughts and some feelings better, but not as much as I would have expected. I guess I thought things would be more different by now, more better. But--duh!!--my first baby died, and NOTHING will ever take that pain away.

Two years and a thousand life changes later, yep, it still hurts.

I'm Obsessed with Pregnancy

"I'm sorry I'm crying on your birthday!"

I sobbed in the car between dinner and drinks last Saturday. I was having an emotional day and I was crabbing at Mr. E and I don't know why, or maybe it had something to with his "I can do what I what, it's my birthday" attitude. I told him you don't stop parenting because it's your birthday. What should I expect? He's only 29. (For real.)

What I was really sobbing about was that I AM OBSESSED with pregnant women and with getting pregnant again. I am so envious...of women on their fourth pregnancy, talking about a fifth (I don't even KNOW this person! Why are you telling me this?)...of women with babies Sprout's age or younger who are pregnant again...of women who are younger and have all the time in the world to complete their families. I wish this would stop!

Sprout is almost 9 months old. He is bouncy and beautiful and delicious and is the light of my life. Mr. E suggested the other night that by focusing on a next pregnancy I am losing out on experiencing Sprout, and Sprout is losing out on experiencing his mama. Which I disagreed with and told him was NOT what I needed to hear. I guess I don't expect a man to understand what I feel. He was also sweet to notice that losing Blue affects these feelings as well.

But I do wonder...do I feel this way because Blue died? Or do I feel this way because I started my family quite a few years later than I really wanted to? (Not because I lost Blue, but because I was moving and traveling around, acting my shoe size, going back to school, etc.) All things I don't think I would give up. But I am paying for that now, a little more than I thought I would. Will I still feel this way after the next kid? And the next one? Will this stop when I feel my family is complete? Will my family ever feel complete? No, it won't, because it can't.

Also I just feel so much pressure to have more kids as soon as possible. Mr. E doesn't want me to have any after 40, which doesn't necessarily matter to me, but that gives me 3.5 more years to make more babies, and I haven't gotten my period yet since Sprout was born! (No, I am not pregnant.) I suppose I also worry that I won't get pregnant right when I want to (like this month) and then how long will it take and how will that affect any possibility of having three kids, or maybe even four. Then I start wondering, how can I possibly work full time and have four kids? Then I just get more mad/envious. Of what? I DON'T KNOW!

There is a silver lining to all of this. When I turned to the Interwebs for help with my pregnancy obsession, I came across this: STFU, Parents. Freakin' hilarious. So thanks, pregnancy obsession that is ruining my life!