Not All the Neurosis Is Gone

I'm 16 weeks pregnant. I did a bow pose in yoga this morning. Did I smoosh my baby? (Like, to death?) After the belly sequence the instructor said if anyone (ahem) was pregnant and he didn't know it, she probably didn't want to do bow pose. But I practice yoga frequently and I know the variation for bow pose is camel--which I hate usually--and honestly I just listened to my body and it felt fine and so I did a bow pose for 5 breaths. But now I'm kind of freaking out. I THINK I've felt the baby move since then? I have been feeling little jabs for a little over a week now, typically about once or twice per day. So not regularly. Not reliably enough to say for sure that I felt the baby move and everything is fine. But if I stop and think about it...I know it's fine. I'm barely showing and again, I didn't feel a speck of discomfort while getting into, out of, and while in the pose. I found this on Yoga Journal:
"In the second trimester, when the energy often feels enhanced by the pregnancy and the body, although swollen, is not uncomfortably large yet, stronger backbends may feel expansive and juicy. If you practiced Ustrasana (Camel Pose), low lunges, Setu Bandha Sarvangasana (Bridge Pose), or even Urdhva Dhanurasana (Backbend, Upward Facing Bow Pose) before you became pregnant, they can now be incorporated into a sequence."

I like it--expansive and juicy. Oh wait, that says upward facing bow pose, i.e. wheel. Damn it! Although regular bow pose "can feel invigorating" in the first trimester, which was only 3 weeks ago. I know there are many instructors who recommend no inversions while pregnant or menstruating, and frankly that just doesn't resonate with me at all. Headstands feel awesome when pregnant and can be done safely when they have been part of your practice for a long time. With my first pregnancy I was still lying on my belly and doing belly poses, albeit NOT bow pose, until 24 weeks. So anyway, here I am going on and on and on and f'ing on!

Would I be this neurotic about it if I hadn't lost my first baby? Although not because of yoga/activity/falling off my bike at 18 weeks (true story). I guess it's the thought that I could have done something wrong? But I really think all is well? If I could be sure that would be nice. Should I invite myself to the hospital for a very expensive heart-rate check? I have an appointment on Monday morning thankfully. Sigh...this is exhausting! I'm going to confine myself to bed rest and a feeding tube for the next 24 weeks. Right after I eat the raw milk cheese I bought today.

Sprout Photo Dump

Aaaand, cue the high-pitched screaming part of toddlerdom. My perfect angel baby has gone to the dark side. But you'd never know it based on these pics:

These are now (and probably always will be) unretouched. Sorry about the boogs. Sprout already takes after his dad when it comes to posing for a picture--uhhh, OK, look awkward and creepy...cheese?

Officially Acting Like a Grown Up (Not My Kid, Me)

Darn "beautifully formatted" chart! I give up. I'm sorry the last column is illegible because of the graphic arrangement on the page. I'm just saying no to perfection here. Anyways, I need to update the number of puking episodes with this pregnancy. I randomly threw up after dinner last night. Maybe it was the Easter candy, but I didn't think I was overdoing it. Feeling kind of crappy again today, but we are out of all sodas except diet 7up and the diet thing isn't sounding good right now. And does 7up have sodium benzoate in it? Crap! I just checked...potassium benzoate. No more citrus sodas for me until the total cessation of my childbearing and breastfeeding years. :( Anyway, almost all past episodes across pregnancies were true morning sickness, which is way less gross, as it turns out, than having something to throw up. Sorry for being graphic, but Mr. E was out playing poker last night and there was no one to commiserate with me.

Not that two weeks between blog posts is abnormal for me, but I actually have a good excuse this time--we bought a house!! I possibly NEVER thought I would say that. I don't like being tied down. Yes, marriage was a HUGE and in some ways unexpected step as well. I don't like having to let go of fantasies of moving all around the country and even the world to live in new places. I feel like such a grown up. I wish I were feeling a LITTLE more stable in my job, but I am cobbling together more hours and it's highly unlikely that I will be staring down a lay-off by the end of this year or early next year. I also have this grand idea for Mr. E to start a food truck, so maybe there will be that.

Here's a picture of the house. I totally, totally love it, which was something I could not say during months of house hunting, until we found this gem:



You can't really tell from the picture, but it is vinyl siding, which is also something I never thought I would say about a house I would say that I loved. I'm an all-brick kind of girl. Also, the front yard is really not as big as it seems, and it's in a city neighborhood, even though it looks like it's all along in the country. In fact, the interstate is very close. And very loud. But you can't see it. Everyone tells me we will adapt to the constant whooshing noise within a week. It's 4 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, all wood floors in every single room (when we started looking at new construction--which this is not--the most bitter pill to swallow was all the carpeting), and has a fabulous fenced-in back yard with new Trex deck and brick (hooray!) patio. I'm so excited we found something older and I'm proud of us for not succumbing to the suburbs. No judgment there, I totally see the advantages, it's just not the right place for us. We were pretty close to choosing suburban new construction though. I'm so excited! We close June 20 and will move that weekend. Now, the big question is, professional movers, or pizza and beer bros? Then the next big question is, crap, how are we going to pay for all the new stuff we need????? Lawnmower, grill, deck furniture, new baby furniture (Sprout's crib, which I suddenly hate and which he has scraped all the finish off of with his teeth, will become his toddler bed), area rugs, a bigger TV of course, furniture for an extra room and guest bedroom, the list goes on. Seriously, how do people do it? Oh, I forgot to mention the best part, aside from the attached garage and laundry that is not in the basement...we are two blocks from a huge park. We're talking tennis courts, basketball courts, ballfields, of course a playground for the kids. I am in heaven! If only I could ride my bike to my favorite yoga studio. The house we were eying in that part of town sold two days before our showing. I feel better knowing that we probably did the same thing to people eying our new house. (Just kidding. Ish.)

Then, Then and Now (New and Improved)**

We got fabulous news last week: MaterniT21 results came back negative! The little bean--who remains un-nicknamed--is A-OK when it comes to chromosomes. We have decided not to find out the sex of the baby this time, but in that moment on the phone with the genetic counselor, when I could know, I was suddenly DYING to know! After a few minutes, a few hours, a whole day, a whole week, I do not need to know again. It will be fun this way. And we can always change our minds with a simple phone call.

It amazes me how different this pregnancy is from the other two, while at the same time being similar in many ways as well. I've prepared this comparison chart for your reference:

	1. Blue	2. Sprout	3. Baby 3
Pre-pregnancy weight	141	136	136?
Maternal weight at 1st/2nd appt.	141/140	138/138	138/137
Maternal weight at birth	150 (25 w, 3 d)	160? 162? (38, 4)	hoping to keep it under 165 again
Nausea, on a scale of 1-10	8	3	7
Puking, # of episodes	3	10?	4
Latest puking episode	9 or 10 weeks?	22 weeks	10 weeks
Fatigue, 1-10	6	5	8
Food aversions?	don't think so	yogurt	not really
Food cravings?	sour & salty	sour & salty	sour & salty
What?	lemonade, rye bread, pudding	lemonade, bagels, grapefruit juice, potato chips	lemonade, labne,french fries/chips, gummi bears^
Boy or girl?	boy	boy	?? #
Zits?	no	no	yes
Wide ass?	no	yes	no
Moodiness?	no	no	yes
Headaches?	yes	no	no
Started showing/ getting funny looks at my belly
	22 weeks	17 weeks	not yet
Capable of wearing normal clothes at 25 weeks?
	yes	shirts, but not pants	we shall see
Anxiety that something would go wrong in pregnancy, 1-10
	3	10	5
Anxiety over life changes generally, 1-10	10	1	4

Suggestions? What would you like to see in the (now beautifully formatted) chart?

** This blog post actually IS both new and improved. Contrary to what Chris Rock believes, it is possible in certain contexts. 
*10 is not HG, but the most severe of "normal" nausea
^ I have repeatedly craved gummi bears and I bought some but have yet to actually eat them
# twice as I have been filling out this chart I wrote "boy" for Baby 3, but I don't really have a "feeling" either way

Coming Clean

I should probably admit that my zen-like state about not getting pregnant when I wanted to was actually achieved by getting pregnant.

I am sorry to spring this on you if you are not in a good place. The only thing that makes me feel better about other people's pregnancy announcements, still, is being pregnant myself apparently. I've attended a baby shower, made up with my SIL, and listened to stories about my secretary's three pregnant nieces without losing my mind. I still stare at the bellies of visibly pregnant women and get pissed when I read tabloid headlines about "Baby Joy." And I realize that as other people's pregnancies are grief triggers for me, so are my own pregnancies. When I first found out I was pregnant, I thought about Blue a lot, and had some very sad times. Wishing so badly that he were here too. The grief has subsided again a bit, but I still think of him a lot more than I had been before getting pregnant.

I am 11 weeks now and just had the NT scan in which everything looked good. We caught the little bean cuddling his/her umbilical cord and we got some really cute 3D pictures. I had the MaterniT21 test and will get results later next week. I really don't even want to hear the results, but I suppose I will have painted myself in a corner if I say I terminated for the sake of the baby the first time, but then didn't give another baby that same consideration. It's much more complicated than that, I know. And of course, my breath will be bated until the baby is born alive and kicking and screaming anyway. BUT, it's really not that bad this time. I am NOT THAT SCARED this time around. I am not naive, like I sometimes wish I were, but I don't freak out every day about what could be going wrong.

So there you have it. I will be blogging more about this pregnancy, but not exclusively about pregnancy. If the past few weeks are any indication I will not be blogging much at all.

Back in PA

We survived a week without Sprout! And so did Sprout, and so did our parents! We spent a week driving around Colorado to see friends and ski/snowboard. Mr. E has now spent 7 days on skis and can respectfully go down groomed black trails. I spent a day and a half on skis, with that first half day spent futilely trying to uncross my skis. I hadn't skied in two years, and it showed. I just need to be competent enough to ski with Sprout next year. Forcing my way down a blue trail is good enough, right? Luckily I am good at snowboarding and there was no new snow so I didn't feel the urge to ditch Mr. E. Much. Actually, fumbling around on skis reminded me of how difficult it was for me to learn to snowboard, and I can't even believe that I stuck with it long enough to actually learn how! I am also one of those intense people about sports who has NO FUN until some level of mastery has occurred. I took a few surfing lessons in summer/fall of 2010, and one day I had a "substitute" instructor who just wasn't as good as the guy I usually had and who didn't really understand my learning style. There weren't a lot of waves that day, so we sat around talking a lot about rock climbing, but every now and then he would push me into a wave and I would get all pissed for not catching it. At one point he asked me, "Well, are you having fun?" And I just gave him this look of death, thinking, "I'm trying to learn how to surf, I'm not here to have any fucking fun." I mean, really, who has fun learning hard sports?

Anyway, it was great to catch up with friends and spend some time outside and not think about work, except for the daily "check the Blackberry," which required only a handful of responses and no panicking. Apparently we are due for another snow storm and I may not have work on Monday again. I will have to go in this weekend to pick up some things to do from home. I guess.

Oh right, so we got home late last night and Sprout was sleeping. I wanted to peek in at him but it was too dark in his room of course and I kicked a few toys that made noise so I just ran out before he could actually wake up. I was disproportionately disappointed that I couldn't see my sleeping baby for another few hours. This morning we went into his room together and Mr. E took a video. Sprout looked at us confused for a few seconds, then cried kinda hard, then let me pick him up and hold him for a minute. He didn't want to go to Mr. E but then he warmed up and scrambled to get down and do his normal toddler thing. He was a little more affectionate today I think. He had to go down for a morning nap, which apparently my parents did not give him but I don't know how because he was already super crabby by 10:00 or so. I guess he will be catching up on sleep now that we're back. Fine with me.

.  .  .

In other blog news, I feel the need to clarify how I went from obsessing about getting pregnant again to meh-no-news-is-not-bad-news-at-least. I just lost the energy to be so anxious about it all the time. I put myself in the position to feel bad about stuff when I really should just brush it off. Like a month ago, I was at the hair salon and it was like Pregnant Lady Day at the salon. And every pregnant woman there was asked about her pregnancy of course, and her last pregnancy and how quickly she got pregnant again and how the next kid will be more spaced out and on and on about perfect little pregnancies. It just reminded me that I still have these feelings of grief that sometimes manifest as generally "icky" feelings. And once I feel that way, especially about conversations I would seek to avoid but were rather imposed upon me, I just start to feel worse and worse instead of recognizing my grief as what it is, and allowing myself to honor it and honor Blue but not let the ickiness take over. So here's to a reduction in ickiness!!! Who doesn't want that?

Somebody's Bakin' Blondies

What a horrible title for that last post! No wonder hardly anyone has read it. I had to write again sooner than I may have wished, just to redeem myself as someone with at least a modicum of something interesting to say! Not that I should be raising the bar of expectation for this or any forthcoming posts.

Snow day, again! Guess who is at work today and who is not? Right, I'm at home, and Mr. E is working at the hospital. I have a pile of work to do, which I thought I was going to do because Mr. E was going to pick up my mom this morning and bring her over to watch Sprout while I worked. You know this plan goes awry because I am blogging (and baking blondies) instead of working while Sprout takes a nap babbles in his crib. The whole reason why Mr. E works one weekday a month instead of two weekend days is so that I'm not home alone on weekends with Sprout and feeling like I never get a break. So maybe today is not really like that, since I am home as a bonus, but I am so annoyed that Mr. E's workday has to collide with another snow day!!! So! Annoyed!!! There are still hours to bill, there is still shit I need to get done. Which I can't, and won't today, because my mom didn't come over at 9 like she said she would when she declined to get picked up at 7:30 this morning. Actually, I'm just really bummed that I am here and Mr. E is not. He works two days a stinkin' month! I wanted to have family day. And French toast for breakfast. (So I didn't really want to work...the truth comes out.)

No real news to report...glad I am cycling...sad I have no news to report.

I will just share what I am baking today:
Blondies from Amy's Bread. This wouldn't be my baking experience without a few modifications. I use pecans instead of walnuts. They are so much better. I served toasted pecans as a snack to my father-in-law one time and he kept saying, "These walnuts are so good. I didn't think I like walnuts, but these are delicious!" That's because they were pecans. Use them.

* Need a 12 x 17 inch pan. This is called a baker's half sheet.

4 Cups unbleached All Purpose Flour
2 1/4 TSP Baking Powder
1 TSP Kosher Salt
2 Cups unsalted Butter, melted
3 1/2 Cups Dark Brown Sugar
4 Large Eggs
1 1/3 TSP. Vanilla Extract
2 Cups + 2 TBSP Semisweet chocolate chips
2 3/4 Cups toasted walnuts pecans


1. Preheat oven to 350. Grease a 12 X 17 inch pan with softened butter or vegetable shortening. Cover with parchment paper.
2. In medium bowl, add the flour, baking powder and salt and whisk together. I never do this, I just add to the big bowl when ready.
3. In a large mixing bowl, combine the melted butter and brown sugar, stir to combine then allow the butter to cool slightly before continuing. Whisk in the eggs and vanilla. I whisk the eggs and vanilla together, then stir into the big bowl.
4. Fold the flour mixture into the sugar mixture and stir until it is almost combined then add 1/4 of the chocolate and walnuts pecans and fold them into the batter. Sometimes I put all the stuff into the batter, instead of sprinkling on top.
5. Spread the batter evenly into the prepared pan. Sprinkle the remaining chocolate chips evenly on top of bars. Bake for 10 minutes, then reduce the temperature to 325 and bake for 16 – 21 minutes, turning half way through front to back. This whole temperature switch never seeemed to make a difference, and I find that these have to bake way longer in your home oven than a commercial oven. Watch for golden browning on the top and edges. They are usually best baked when I think they've gone a little too long...but they haven't. If you like gooey, uncooked centers (what are you, a barbarian?), then you don't have to worry about extra baking time and the time stated in the recipe may work for you.
6. Allow the Blondies to cool completely on a wire rack before cutting into 25 bars. Cut the bars into any size you want.

Today I do not have enough brown sugar, so I am using the rest of my brown and then using white. I also use a scale to weigh instead of measure my ingredients and I highly recommend this practice!! I may not have enough eggs but I haven't checked yet. I don't have pecans, and though I do have walnuts, I think I will leave out the nuts this time. I would have walked across the street to the grocery store that is literally across the street, but I can't today because nobody came over to help me take care of Sprout and I am somewhat helpless alone with a toddler all day.

Happy Baking!!!! And eating. That is the real reason why I love to bake sweets.