Thursday, June 18, 2015


Weaners for a while, actually. LJ decided he was no longer interested in the boob around 7 months old. I was a little sad but also pretty psyched because of all the things I promised myself I would do once he weaned. One of those things was to have a 90-minute massage (have not, yet), plan a weekend away with girlfriends (I've neither gone nor planned one, yet), and try to make another baby (have not, yet). I've been thinking about how easy it would be to stop here, but I also know how much I want another baby, another child, another teenager to add to my family. After the way I felt when Sprout was born--I wanted another baby immediately--I didn't think I would start to feel okay about only having two kids. I'm not sure that I do feel okay about that, which is good because I could be pregnant. Sometimes I still think I want 4 kids, and that 5 doesn't even sound terrible. But I think it would, actually, be terrible? I am ready to get back to some of my normal, enjoyable activities already. Two Sundays ago I went rock climbing the entire day as my birthday/Mother's Day present from Mr. E and it was so awesome! I wasn't as bad and incompetent as I expected, the weather was absolutely perfect, and I spent a whole day with an old friend. It had been 3 1/2 years since I climbed on a real rock. You can see my guest post about it on Seth's blog. 

LJ is totally the perfect baby (with one flaw that wouldn't be that bad if it weren't for his older brother). He smiles a lot, plays by himself, loves the bath, doesn't even cry anymore when his brother hits him in the face, eats food, and never cries when it's time for nap or bed. I can't believe it either. When he's tired he just wants to suck on his binky and lie in his crib by himself. I worry that another baby could not possibly go this easy on me. His bad habit is that he is still waking once per night. Every once in a while he sleeps all the way through. When he wakes in the night it's for 20 minutes so he can have a bottle, which he surely does not need, given his size, but then he sleeps until a decent hour. It's Sprout who gets up before 7 most mornings, and after interrupted sleep from LJ, getting up before 7 is just rough. Mr. E and I mostly take turns with who's doing what, but I still wish I could sleep without waking up at night. That is the one thing I am not ready to give up on if I am in fact pregnant again already. Those few nights that LJ sleeps through and doesn't wake up angry like this morning, when thanks to him we were all up at 6:00. Annoyingly I randomly woke up before 6, maybe wondering why I hadn't been woken up yet.

We've also been making milestones over here. LJ has been rocking back and forth on all fours for quite some time now, and can lunge forward when he moves just right. I'm surprised he hasn't figured out how to actually crawl yet but he is only 8 months old so I guess I am glad about that. I haven't found him standing up in his crib yet or anything, though he does like to stand and is now taking little steps when you hold his arms. At this age Sprout was really walking with support, but LJ is way ahead with the crawling stuff. Sprout is talking up a storm and is totally adorable when he's not throwing tantrums and being a total 2 1/2-year-old butthead. Great news from him is that he's potty trained! He's almost independent at home (needs wiping, but I don't think I've ever heard of 2-year-olds wiping their own assess), stays dry at school most days, and is starting to have some dry overnights finally. He wears a pull up at night and I think we are totally done with regular diapers. He doesn't like to go when you ask him, and always says no when you ask if he has to go, but then a few moments later he walks into the bathroom and goes on his own. I don't know where my expectations were, but I ahve to say that potty training was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I do understand that we are by no means out of the woods, and have yet to deal with traveling and public toilets. But I am okay with not dealing with traveling and public toilets until he is more firmly trained. 

Back to TTC. We don't really want to get pregnant this month, but decided to go for it because Mr. E wants them close together so he can get back to work sooner than later. Ideally we would get pregnant in August or September, but I wasn't willing to skip months in case it took long or I miscarried or something worse. I feel really rational and calm about those possibilities. Like it could happen, but it probably won't. It's been a few weeks since my first period since LJ was born. I realized it was only my third period in over 3 years. I have no idea how long my cycle is and I didn't use OPKs, so who knows? I will be testing around July 1. I have no idea how I will really feel if I am or am not pregnant this month. I am just so happy my cycle is back. I am happier still that I can think about pregnancy as something I may or may not want right now. I am happy I am getting to a place where other people's pregnancies don't always stab me in the heart. I wasn't that long ago that I didn't think that would ever happen. I guess you could call me weaned, too. I am weaned from the pain and discomfort that accompanies baby loss for way longer than you would ever believe it to last. I don't mean the real grief, the missing of my boy. I mean the weird, fucked-up, irrational pain of wanting things I never wanted, of wishing things I never wished before. I am happy to see that go.