Monday, April 30, 2012

Missing Little Person

How can you miss this little missing person so much? When I am sad and shedding tears for Blue, I can't comprehend it. I never held him, except all those weeks in the womb. I never saw him in the outside world, alive and breathing. And yet somehow I still think he should be a living part of my life today.

And I worry that AFF will confuse my longing for Blue with a longing for the life I would have had with Blue in it, and the ex and the who knows what else? Because I don't want any of that. I just want Blue.

I think I protect AFF from my true feelings, because I don't want him to think that I want the life I would have had. I want the life with AFF in it. I think I also protect myself, by not being truly honest about my sadness, because I am afraid AFF will call me "too needy" like lots of other guys and then he will be gone. I continue(d) to hide that second part from AFF, but as for the first, I told him. I wanted him to be sure I didn't want that other life, and when I said maybe sometimes I hide the longing from him, he said "Don't ever hide your feelings from me." And I think I cried because he is so amazing and understanding, and I knew I would never be too needy for him.

What a difference a year makes.

As for missing Blue, it's going on 9 months now. And I'm sure counting. 

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Blue in Bloom

Blue's tree is in bloom! Someone told me that new trees can take a few seasons until they bloom. I don't know if he knows anything about horticulture or not. But I took it as a good sign. And added it to seeing the four-leaf clover. Which was recently ripped up by the landscapers. But I know it was there.

Anyway, just wanted to share a few pictures of the tree--an amelanchier. Oh wait, I did think of something poignant today:

All the white blooms on the tree?
A symbol of Blue's love for me.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Remedial Grief Instruction

Eight months approaching (since Blue died), and I'm back on Glow, keeping myself up late, wondering how things might have been. I am not sure what brings me back to the blogs after a period of time feeling good. Never feeling like I don't need them anymore, but feeling like I don't need them right now. Then suddenly I do. And I'm sitting here now and tears are pooling in my eyes but things are going well and I just don't know why I want to cry.

What is different now is that a little cry here and there is simply part of the routine. Part of the way I live. When the tears come, and I think I don't know why, I know they'll stop. I trust that they will no longer come at inappropriate times, although that could be because I'm not all that self-conscious anymore about crying at inappropriate times.

Sometimes I get really sad about the way I used to feel. Like if I read an old blog post of my own, and I mention that I would have liked to go to sleep and never wake up again, I experience that pain again. Only as if I am empathizing with someone else. The me I used to be. I feel bad for her.

Do I cry for her? For my past? Do I cry for Blue? Our lost future together?

Eight months of grief counseling and I can't answer these questions. I just want to cry. And then go watch TV until I stop.