Wednesday, February 3, 2016

The Universe Mocks Me

******WARNING****** period talk below. blood. tampons. jelly blobs. etc.

You guys. As you are aware I have been trying to conceive. If you've really been following along, you know that I am technically always trying to conceive. It's now been 8 months of periods with no birth control, but no pregnancy. After having cycles of 25 or 26 days, then two in a row at 23 days, I had a 30-day cycle. I tried using OPKs starting as if on a 23-day cycle, but I didn't get a surge in the first week so I took another set for another week. I never actually detected a surge, though there were 2-3 tests in a row around Day 16 that had dark lines. I considered that maybe my sample was diluted because after 3 pregnancies I have a hard time holding my pee for 4 hours in a row. I was expecting another 30-day cycle.

So. On Day 23 I started spotting. Light pink after sex. Then brown spotting for 2 more days. I thought, hmm...implantation bleeding? I took a test on the morning of Day 27. Negative. OK, it was early. That was Sunday. We had plans for a day in NYC that obviously involved drinking because when you ditch your kids and go to NYC of course there is brunch and favorite wine bar in the old neighborhood, etc. Yay, drinking.* I decided to test again on Tuesday. I woke up around 5 am because LJ was whining, and got up to pee so I figured why not? By the time I got out of the bathroom he had gone back to sleep. I wanted to go back to sleep too, because negative. Around 7 I woke up to a warm, gushing feeling. Are you kidding me? This is not the first time this has happened! I even checked the TP at 5 am before testing because this has happened before. I'm getting my period on Day 29 and it's starting out strong. With clots. (But it's still brown.) I insert a super tampon thinking I will need it.

Around mid-day I decide I need to replace the tampon. I can barely get the thing out. Which is pretty amazing after 2 (full term) deliveries. Seriously, I had to do reverse Kegels to remove it. And it had a few brown spots on it. I put it back in. By evening I took it out and haven't bled since. That was yesterday.

What is going on???!!!??? I have been trying to read up and it seems maybe I DO have fibroids? Oh, the irony! I suppose maybe I will go back to the RE (with tail between legs). Saline sonogram--let's do this! Clearly something is not going right. We know it took me at least 4 cycles to start ovulating after I started getting my period again following breastfeeding, and maybe up to 6. Then I cycled short, then suddenly 30 days, and now, like, nothing. In the back of my mind I'm thinking maybe my tests are duds. I'm so silly. But they're made in China. I don't know. Maybe they are labeled wrong and are LH tests instead of HCG tests. I made an appointment with my OB in 2 weeks and will see what he days about everything. He's way more cool about things than the RE and I really prefer that angle. Another 2-week-wait.

*I just read that the CDC recommends no drinking at all for women who aren't on birth control. WTF? I know that if you think you might be pregnant, even if the test is negative, then it doesn't actually mean "yay, drinking," but after planning a day away for the first time in at least a year and a half, I was not about to forego a couple mimosas at brunch, followed by a few glasses of wine at dinner like 2 hours later, based on a negative pregnancy test! Also, the article I read about the CDC recommendation noted that most women don't know they're pregnant until 4-6 weeks. First of all, you're not even pregnant during the first 2 weeks. Then, for at least another week the embryo is not even attached to anything. There is no way that a few drinks can invade, like, every cell in your body, including the free-floating embryo. Related: not knowing you're pregnant until 6 weeks sounds like such a luxury.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Updates, Schmupdates

Yeah, it's been a while. I just read over the last few prior posts so I can cut to the chase:

1--I have a new job and I am sort of enjoying it. I'm not pissed all the time at how terrible my workplace is, like at my old job, because it's not terrible. I have an hour and ten commute (sometimes more, sometimes less) and I don't like that. But I get a telecommute day once per week where I go to the closest downtown and work in a nice office at my dad's company. My regular office is suburban and I like that for the free and convenient parking, and also the numerous running trails nearby, but I love being in an urban environment once in a while and going to Starbucks without even having to go outside! Also one of my favorites restaurants is in the first floor of the building, though I have yet to go since starting work there. I even get a free parking spot at a nearby garage. It's pretty sweet. So I guess that's my favorite part of the new job--working alone near my home. I should lower my expectations. I mean, I'm still a practicing lawyer.

2--I am not pregnant. I got further results from the RE and there's like, nothing wrong. Prolactin levels normal, estradiol normal, FSH on the high end of normal, and I supposedly ovulated in November at least, though I think the mid-luteal phase progesterone level was still low. I was cycling every 23 days for two months in a row. I decided against any interventions, even ovulation predictor kits, because I am an arrogant jerk. After having sex a bunch of days in a row, I'm pretty sure we took like a week off, then I got my period after 30 days. What a tease. Thought I could be pregnant; turns out I wasn't even having sex during my fertile days. I used OPKs this month and I'm not sure that I got a surge. The line was never as dark as the control line, though for 2-3 tests it was almost, and was definitely darker than other test days. if that was actually a surge and my sample was just diluted or something, then I am on track for another 30-day cycle. I understand it's possible to surge and then the egg does not get released. So I don't know what's going on, I only know I am or was having some sort of ovulatory dysfunction. I didn't want to pursue treatment with the RE because she insisted on doing a saline sonogram before discussing treatment. She told me at my first visit that I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to, but when I eventually declined, the nurse at the clinic told me to call back when I was ready to move forward. So here we are almost three months later, and I haven't done anything to try to get pregnant. I just don't understand why we are still looking for other things that could be wrong, when we know that I was not ovulating and did not have a regular cycle. And when that can be fixed with really simple stuff like Clomid. Like do you really need to check my uterus for fibroids when I'm not getting pregnant for lack of ovulation? I just thought it was an unnecessary intervention at this point. And by the way it costs $750 plus whatever facility charge from the hospital. And while my insurance covers treatment for diagnosing fertility issues, it has a $2000 deductible, and then won't cover any actual fertility treatments. If I WERE ovulating regularly, then I would be okay with checking for fibroids. And I don't know what the semen analysis costs anymore because I threw away the info sheet, but I'm pretty sure we don't need a $400 or whatever SA for my 31-year-old husband with zero health issues and who has impregnated me twice on like 3-4 tries. I feel like the clinic is just looking to make money and scare me into buying more interventions than I need. And by the way, I did want to move forward, that's why I squeezed my way into a canceled appointment in November, but I don't want to with this clinic. There are two other options in town. They all get bad reviews and good reviews. If I'm not pregnant this month I'm going to go back to my OB and try the less intense route. I just seriously don't need stress in another aspect of my life. All my test results were NORMAL. I have TIME. At least some. I hate you, RE. Well, that was not a brief update at all.

3-Been thinking of Blue a lot. I don't always feel sad when I think about him lately. I'm not having as many thoughts of the utter despair I felt when he died. Nevermind, I'm tearing up. I'm still sad.

4-One of my best friends from growing up sent me a text about 6 weeks ago that she got a job here and was moving back to our (crappy) home town. The recent communications before that made it sound like she and her husband were changing their minds. I was ecstatic! She has an almost 5- and almost 3-year-old and we'd been getting the kids together when she was visiting her parents. She gives me her son's hand me downs, some of which come from an older cousin who is also named Jed. OK, so, one week before she is to start the new job, in PA, her husband has a heart attack and dies. The worst news I've had in a long time. Like four years long time. It's awful. She actually started her job only a day or two late. She is living with her parents now. What else do you do? That's been sad, too, around here.

5-Farther down the scale of sadness, I am incredibly bummed that I am such an idiot and did not make an effort to go snowboarding last Sunday after we got 30" of snow in about 24 hours, ending at 9 pm Sat night, with skies clearing into a perfect sunny day. Perfect, epic blue bird. Granted my driveway was buried, but my street was plowed and what the heck was I thinking? Literally a once in a lifetime opportunity. And I was like, I can't go snowboarding, I have these kids. Um, that is what I have a husband for--to watch my kids on an epic powder day!!! I don't deserve to ride powder.

Alright...ciao for now!