Monday, November 23, 2015

Dead Orchids #Microblog Mondays

I'm not sure why I kept this dead orchid. I suppose I like the way the dried flowers hung on to the plant. My other orchids have wilted and drooped and fallen from their stems before they could dry and hold on. I bought this orchid the day I thought I miscarried LJ. I had taken an early pregnancy test and gotten a faint positive. Five days later I was bleeding a bit, right on what I had expected to be Day 1. I dragged myself to work, disappointed and sad, and bought this plant at a grocery store at lunch, hoping to cheer myself up. The bleeding did not continue throughout the day, so I took another test that night, and had a dark positive. Relief! Excitement! I had hoped for another boy. The orchid thrived in our apartment, but when we moved to the house it quickly faded. I blamed the damp conditions in the house (now fixed, thankfully). So, I guess the orchid reminds me of perseverance. The little baby that didn't die. The house that was fixed. And of course, my memory of Blue, that wilts and fades from time to time, but will never, ever die.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

My Trip to the RE

It's almost Blue's due date but the date (November 19) doesn't seem to carry that much weight anymore. I mean, whenever I see the date written down, it slaps me in the face just a little, but I'm not afraid of it. It's just another day in the months that are heavy as the light wanes and I subconsciously if not consciously realize that my first born was supposed to be here but he's not.

I went to the RE today for an initial consult and had to talk a little bit about having the abortion, why we found out so late, which mutation for CF that I carry. I didn't get emotional. Later I wondered if the nurse thought that I hadn't really cared that much when it happened, either.

So...the RE. I thought I was just being proactive and trying to sort out what might be wrong for when I really want to get pregnant again, which is not now because I am starting the new job in two weeks. I guess when you go to the RE you have signed up for aggressive intervention though because she was like, "um, you're 38, there is no more waiting." She didn't really say that, but when I said that if she thought, for example, going on birth control for three months might sort out my problem...she shot that down super quick. My OB had suggested waiting another six months after the Low P test in August, which I thought was too conservative. Now I want to go back to him instead!

I will be getting lab work on Nov. 28 and again on Cycle Day 3. Once we have those results I guess there will be a more complete picture of my problem. She also said Mr. E will have to get a semen analysis prior to any treatment, and I guess there's nothing wrong with being comprehensive, but I just wanted some encouragement that, having had three prior pregnancies, maybe my odds were different than your ordinary 38-year-old's. I had an ultrasound and she saw 13 follicles. She said that anything over 12 is good. So like, what's the problem? Look, I know nothing, but I think I just need a trigger shot for ovulation and then everything will be good. If that is naive, fine, I would like to wallow in ignorance for at least a little while. Also, I doubt we can afford any expensive treatments. Years ago, before I even wanted to have kids, I remember reading about a women who had two children and who was going to great lengths to have a third. She was spending over $100,000 to try to achieve another pregnancy, and I remember thinking, "Lady, count your blessings. That is extreme for someone who has a family with two children in it." Am I going to be that lady now?