Friday, September 27, 2013

I Know a BLD

It happened. Someone I know in real life had to "unannounce" on Facebook that he was going to be a dad because his baby died. I've mentioned before this evil part of me that wants bad things to happen to other people too sometimes. But when I heard that it did, I was in tears. I was so sad for him. He's a baby loss dad, and if ever they existed, it's my friend. Said he wanted to be a dad since he was a kid himself. He is a stepdad to two boys, but he knows it's not the same. I just sent his wife a Facebook email, though I don't know her at all. When I was riding bikes with my friend he was married to someone else. I stopped into his work the other day, which is at a retail store near my office, and he told me about their diagnosis, and their terrible choice to end the pregnancy. So I think I am still wearing my babylost on my sleeve by reaching out to her and sending a complete stranger a sappy email, but at least this time I know that something went wrong. My friend is keeping himself busy and making resolutions to get in better shape and eat better and otherwise distract himself and I worry that she is not understanding his grieving process and thinking that he is not understanding hers. But I didn't say that part in my email. I will see if she wants some BLM company. This sucks.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Why I Run

Literally, like jogging, not figuratively.

Because while running, I decided that I will not berate myself when I feel jealous seeing pregnant women, or women with many young children, or for feeling bad after someone announces her pregnancy. Instead of saying, "I should not feel jealous, this has nothing to do with me and my situation," I will tell myself, "You are sad right now because this is a reminder that you were pregnant for 25 weeks but your baby died before he was born. You got unlucky and something rare and terrible happened to you. You miss your little boy who is not here. It's OK to feel sad, and it's going to be OK and you are going to feel better again."

After the run I got back in the car and the show on NPR was about being kind to yourself and not thinking about what you should do or be, because that only ever makes you feel worse. Truth.

Anyway, I am still thinking so much about pregnant yoga teacher/friend. I just wonder what would make her think that she couldn't get pregnant. I mean, if she didn't really want to get pregnant, or didn't want to get pregnant right now, then why didn't she try not to get pregnant? Maybe there was a reason why she thought she couldn't get pregnant. I don't know. That's the thing, you know? I don't know anything about anybody else's story, I just look at what I see and feel bad about what I want but don't have. And I could say "don't yet have," i.e. more kids, but the fact is I will never completely have what I want because he is dead and gone. So I just think, how could you find out you're pregnant and be not excited to have a baby? I can see why she doesn't have an abortion, but really, if she doesn't want to have a baby, she doesn't have to have a baby. And if she's not excited about having a baby, maybe she could just keep that to herself around people who would do ANYTHING to have their baby who's not here.

I'm not angry with her, I am just really confused. And jealous. Always fucking jealous. Just want to be pregnant again. And yet I say every week I will stop nursing during the day and I just don't stop. This evening I thought, what if I were at least pregnant by the time Sprout is two? And that didn't sound so terrible. I am curious now, I want to be pregnant again so badly because I want more kids and think my clocking is ticking? Or is it because I lost that first pregnancy and it was so devastating that I just want to be back in my pregnant state, as if it never happened? Like will I wish I was pregnant forever now? Or just until I have more kids? And then, what if I can't have more kids? Etc. Etc.

But I will be kind to myself. I will remember why I feel bad, no matter how much it hurts, instead of making myself feel worse for feeling bad. And I will keep running. No matter how much it hurts. #sorehip #tornhamstring #blisters #shinsplints #sciatica

Monday, September 2, 2013

Anniversary of the Aftermath

The anniversary of the aftermath seems harder this year than last year. Maybe because last year I was pregnant and this year I am back to wishing I were?

I thought I was on a break from feeling crappy about other people's pregnancies but it turns out I am not. My favorite yoga teacher and friend just told me she is pregnant. She didn't seem especially happy when she told me and it turns out she is a bit ambivalent. She and her husband were just married in July and she got pregnant a week later. They had decided to just see what happened, not trying but not not trying, and well. That was easy! Her husband is more excited she said, but he also said he wished they had tried longer. She has a four-year-old from a prior relationship and the last I heard her talking about kids and pregnancies it seemed to me she did not want to have more kids. And after thinking about it a lot I realize that if there are fewer people around me who might or could get pregnant, the better. Of course there will be friends, acquaintances, and friends of friends who might get pregnant, but I can try to prepare for that kind of news. I think I am OK for now, as long as my friend whose baby was born in July doesn't get pregnant with her second before I do. I would not be happy about that. Just sayin'. So yoga teacher, I had her moved into the the "low risk of pregnancy announcements" category, but I was wrong. Along with my cousin who had said she wasn't having more kids and then the next timed I talked to her she was pregnant. I mean, sure, people can change their minds. I know. And it's fine...after awhile. 

I totally appreciate her honesty about her feelings. But it is a major grief trigger for me when I am not expecting to see or hear about a particular pregnancy, and especially so in this case because I first started going to her studio when I was pregnant with Blue. I think when I very first went, I didn't yet know anything was wrong. But I do recall going to her class in the week in between the amnio and The News. The next time I showed up to class, Blue was gone but she remembered. And let's just say that she really was this wonderful, kind soul to me, but now that she's pregnant it is bringing back all those memories and I am quite sad again.

It's only been a day or two now, but it feels sort of like depression, not just sadness. If I'm fine tomorrow then I will know it's not depression and I'm OK. I don't want to take medication anyway, even if I weren't still nursing, so there's nothing to do but maybe see my therapist again. I'm also very bored at my job right now, and feeling underpaid and once again like: why the F did I go to law school to be bored and underpaid in my job????

Mr E. and I had planned to have "no plans" today, but then his dad called like two days ago to invite us over for lunch and so I had to deal with my step-mother-in-law commenting that I had never worn a skirt so long before, they are always "way up here," (and my response that I don't even own a short skirt--turns out it's my dresses that are short, ah!) and then telling me that she just throws away pictures so she doesn't want any of the recent pictures of Sprout that I brought over. She says all this without even showing the photos to my father in law. Look, he's not the most sentimental guy, but I THINK he might want to have a picture or two of his first grandchild. Call me crazy!

Overall it wasn't that bad, but after that we had to go to Dairy Queen for my mint M&M blizzard craving. We had to drive a bit out of our way too, but Sprout was asleep in the car and then a thunderstorm rolled in, so it made sense to just drive around anyway. I wasn't feeling depressed anymore, but I still am thinking how I used to be an adventurer and would normally be traveling on long weekends on rock climbing trips or something else cool you get to do BK--before kids. Don't get me wrong, I wanted my kids more than anything, but I still miss that freedom and all that goes with it. Just like everyone else. But at any rate, to feel like I'm not happy because I'm not out doing the things that make me happy, well there is some truth to that. What's definitely not making me sad are my husband and kid. Well, I guess my kid is, kind of!

After Dairy Queen we had plans to meet friends to play tennis, but the rain, oh the rain. It finally cleared up somewhat spectacularly before sunset, so I went out for a quick run, and then there were still 23 minutes in which the pool at our complex so was still open, so we had a ceremonious last swim, taking turns in the pool or holding the baby, who was smiling and waving at the lifeguard. Now we are finishing up Season 4 of Breaking Bad. (Which might be contributing to feeling of sadness and depression, but like any other addiction I can't stop it!)

More on this topic later though...the aftermath stuff I mentioned in the beginning of this post. Ciao for now.