Surprise! I'm Still Sad

Surprise! I'm still sad that Blue died.

The sadness the past few weeks has really been surprising myself. I suppose it's just the time of year that I got the bad news. His birthday--August 10--isn't far off. His birthday that I have practically forgotten about the past few years is suddenly "looming" again. The other day I drove past the garage where I was supposed to be getting new tires for the borrowed car I was driving the day in July 2011 that I got the call from the OB, and I freakin' lost it. If I think about it, I've probably driven past it before once or twice, and just never noticed. I don't know why I had a flashback this time.

Maybe I'm more sad because I started seeing a counselor a few months ago and it's stirring things up. I'm talking about him more again and even telling my story to people who still don't know, from beginning to end. I always start out thinking I won't cry at all...but I always do.

It's OK with me that I feel this way. Maybe a little weird, but OK. My life is generally good and my husband and kids generally make me happy--little bit of a joke. As my friend says, "Let's face it, kids ruin everything." But of course they also bring so much joy, and despite the hole in my heart, I do feel the joy.

I know that hole in my heart will always be there. I know I will miss him for the rest of my life. I know that grief is not always predictable and isn't a straight line. And still, I'm surprised about the sadness.

Now the Grief Is Blurry, Too

I guess I don't really blog anymore. Life is too crazy and other things are just more important. I'm quite addicted to TV now as well, and when all the things that really need to get done in the day are done, I just want to space out watching reality shows. I'm not proud.

I started writing this last November:

"It's been 6 years and now the grief is blurry too. I thought about Blue on Monday, August 7--the last date he was alive for the whole day in 2011. I was sad and cried a little on my way to work."

So I guess if it takes me three months to even write about the anniversary of Blue's death/birth, then I don't really blog anymore.

I want to keep the blog online, however, for anyone finding herself in the throes of babyloss. Someone at her lowest point. Someone who might feel like death is a better option. Because I've been there. I wanted to die but now I don't.

There's hope. I'm proof. I have three beautiful children and I am ever so grateful.

It WILL get better. You WILL get through this. It won't be easy. It may never be THAT easy. But if you just hold on, you will reach the point where the grief is blurry instead of blunt.

I promise.

(But I'm still crying as I write this.)