Surprise! I'm still sad that Blue died.
The sadness the past few weeks has really been surprising myself. I suppose it's just the time of year that I got the bad news. His birthday--August 10--isn't far off. His birthday that I have practically forgotten about the past few years is suddenly "looming" again. The other day I drove past the garage where I was supposed to be getting new tires for the borrowed car I was driving the day in July 2011 that I got the call from the OB, and I freakin' lost it. If I think about it, I've probably driven past it before once or twice, and just never noticed. I don't know why I had a flashback this time.
Maybe I'm more sad because I started seeing a counselor a few months ago and it's stirring things up. I'm talking about him more again and even telling my story to people who still don't know, from beginning to end. I always start out thinking I won't cry at all...but I always do.
It's OK with me that I feel this way. Maybe a little weird, but OK. My life is generally good and my husband and kids generally make me happy--little bit of a joke. As my friend says, "Let's face it, kids ruin everything." But of course they also bring so much joy, and despite the hole in my heart, I do feel the joy.
I know that hole in my heart will always be there. I know I will miss him for the rest of my life. I know that grief is not always predictable and isn't a straight line. And still, I'm surprised about the sadness.
