One more first anniversary is looming, then I wonder if I will continue to post here regularly. This was supposed to be Blue's space, but I turned it into my own. I want to honor that, that I started this blog because my son died before he was born. Because now I have another son, and something feels...not wrong...but just off...to write about the ordinary joy of having a living child.
November 19 is the anniversary Blue's due date. Or as another blogger put it: the day nothing happened. Actually on November 19, 2011 we planted a tree. We stood in a circle in my parents' backyard on a clear but cold day, and everyone added soil to the hole from which Blue's tree would grow.
This year there will be no ceremony. It will just be another reminder of a day everyone else forgets. Strangely, I do not feel very sad as I think about November 19.
I met a real life BLM today. She came to our home to take pictures of Sprout, who is one month old today. She mentioned that her first daughter was premature. When I asked how early, I heard the hesitation that preceded her reply. Twenty-three weeks, five days. Her daughter's twin brother was born sometime earlier, took one breath and died. I motioned to the picture behind her of the little guy I lost. She scanned the bookcase for a photo of a child; I said it was just his name on the beach. She has one of those photos too. In the ensuing conversation we both cried a little. We talked about the stupid things people say.
I told her that if ever "things happen for a reason," it was true in my case. But that doesn't mean you would sacrifice your child. I think if I have any guilt over what happened to Blue, it is the admission that I didn't want the life I would have had had he lived. Because I know that if things hadn't "worked out"--that is, if Sprout were not sleeping and grunting across the room from me right now--I would still be a total mess of a person.
But I am not that sad right now, and that feels strange. It makes me feel like A Sky for Blue is not the place to move on, to live a new life with a new little boy. So on this blog, I will continue to check in about living life without my missing little person. But not about moving on without him.