"I'm sorry I'm crying on your birthday!"
I sobbed in the car between dinner and drinks last Saturday. I was having an emotional day and I was crabbing at Mr. E and I don't know why, or maybe it had something to with his "I can do what I what, it's my birthday" attitude. I told him you don't stop parenting because it's your birthday. What should I expect? He's only 29. (For real.)
What I was really sobbing about was that I AM OBSESSED with pregnant women and with getting pregnant again. I am so envious...of women on their fourth pregnancy, talking about a fifth (I don't even KNOW this person! Why are you telling me this?)...of women with babies Sprout's age or younger who are pregnant again...of women who are younger and have all the time in the world to complete their families. I wish this would stop!
Sprout is almost 9 months old. He is bouncy and beautiful and delicious and is the light of my life. Mr. E suggested the other night that by focusing on a next pregnancy I am losing out on experiencing Sprout, and Sprout is losing out on experiencing his mama. Which I disagreed with and told him was NOT what I needed to hear. I guess I don't expect a man to understand what I feel. He was also sweet to notice that losing Blue affects these feelings as well.
But I do wonder...do I feel this way because Blue died? Or do I feel this way because I started my family quite a few years later than I really wanted to? (Not because I lost Blue, but because I was moving and traveling around, acting my shoe size, going back to school, etc.) All things I don't think I would give up. But I am paying for that now, a little more than I thought I would. Will I still feel this way after the next kid? And the next one? Will this stop when I feel my family is complete? Will my family ever feel complete? No, it won't, because it can't.
Also I just feel so much pressure to have more kids as soon as possible. Mr. E doesn't want me to have any after 40, which doesn't necessarily matter to me, but that gives me 3.5 more years to make more babies, and I haven't gotten my period yet since Sprout was born! (No, I am not pregnant.) I suppose I also worry that I won't get pregnant right when I want to (like this month) and then how long will it take and how will that affect any possibility of having three kids, or maybe even four. Then I start wondering, how can I possibly work full time and have four kids? Then I just get more mad/envious. Of what? I DON'T KNOW!
There is a silver lining to all of this. When I turned to the Interwebs for help with my pregnancy obsession, I came across this: STFU, Parents. Freakin' hilarious. So thanks, pregnancy obsession that is ruining my life!