Saturday, August 10, 2013

Two Years

OK, wow. It's been two years since Blue was here and then not here. There is a candle burning as a symbol of my love for him.

For the first time I recently had the thought, "I wish none of it had ever happened." No unplanned pregnancy that I was so joyous to discover. Then no experience with the ex where I watched him curse at the positive pregnancy test, pull away from me emotionally and physically, encourage me to get an abortion, at some point decide to stick it out for the baby, and generally make me feel sad and miserable about the relationship. But the baby would make up for all of this. Maybe then Chris would see that our life together wasn't so bad. I was so naive. About both the relationship and the pregnancy.

I can only imagine where my life would have taken me in that scenario. Probably back to Colorado. Probably into the arms of a man I already knew, who was ready to have a baby, whether with me or with anyone. But in this scenario I am angry again at the man I was dating when I was 28-29. The first man I moved in with, the first man I really thought I was going to marry. He turned out to be a dick. No, he probably was all along, but he started to become a dick to me too. I only take credit for not marrying him. I do realize my role in picking terrible men for me. That ex and Chris were quite similar in the way they made me feel about myself. So if I look at it that way, I am the only one to blame that I didn't meet someone and start a family a little sooner in life. I am going off on a tangent. It's Blue's 2nd birthday and all I can think about is how old I am and how I want more kids but I feel rushed and now I want a do-over in life. A do-over that doesn't include him at all.

And then I wonder: am I better off knowing him? Or would I have been better off not to have known him? Do I cherish or resent those 25 weeks we spent together? Today, I am not sure.

The day I wasn't meant to meet him,
The day he was here and gone,
The days and years go on without him,
But on this day the breeze is always whispering his song.


  1. I've been thinking about you today E. I also have a candle going for Blue. It is so hard when so few remember to mark the loss. I ask myself all the time if I wish I never got pregnant that cycle, if I should have started TTC before hub deployed... there are no answers and the questions are universal for those in our situation.

  2. I read this earlier and just didn't get around to commenting. Please know that there was someone thinking you and Blue that day.