Monday, September 9, 2013

Why I Run

Literally, like jogging, not figuratively.

Because while running, I decided that I will not berate myself when I feel jealous seeing pregnant women, or women with many young children, or for feeling bad after someone announces her pregnancy. Instead of saying, "I should not feel jealous, this has nothing to do with me and my situation," I will tell myself, "You are sad right now because this is a reminder that you were pregnant for 25 weeks but your baby died before he was born. You got unlucky and something rare and terrible happened to you. You miss your little boy who is not here. It's OK to feel sad, and it's going to be OK and you are going to feel better again."

After the run I got back in the car and the show on NPR was about being kind to yourself and not thinking about what you should do or be, because that only ever makes you feel worse. Truth.

Anyway, I am still thinking so much about pregnant yoga teacher/friend. I just wonder what would make her think that she couldn't get pregnant. I mean, if she didn't really want to get pregnant, or didn't want to get pregnant right now, then why didn't she try not to get pregnant? Maybe there was a reason why she thought she couldn't get pregnant. I don't know. That's the thing, you know? I don't know anything about anybody else's story, I just look at what I see and feel bad about what I want but don't have. And I could say "don't yet have," i.e. more kids, but the fact is I will never completely have what I want because he is dead and gone. So I just think, how could you find out you're pregnant and be not excited to have a baby? I can see why she doesn't have an abortion, but really, if she doesn't want to have a baby, she doesn't have to have a baby. And if she's not excited about having a baby, maybe she could just keep that to herself around people who would do ANYTHING to have their baby who's not here.

I'm not angry with her, I am just really confused. And jealous. Always fucking jealous. Just want to be pregnant again. And yet I say every week I will stop nursing during the day and I just don't stop. This evening I thought, what if I were at least pregnant by the time Sprout is two? And that didn't sound so terrible. I am curious now, I want to be pregnant again so badly because I want more kids and think my clocking is ticking? Or is it because I lost that first pregnancy and it was so devastating that I just want to be back in my pregnant state, as if it never happened? Like will I wish I was pregnant forever now? Or just until I have more kids? And then, what if I can't have more kids? Etc. Etc.

But I will be kind to myself. I will remember why I feel bad, no matter how much it hurts, instead of making myself feel worse for feeling bad. And I will keep running. No matter how much it hurts. #sorehip #tornhamstring #blisters #shinsplints #sciatica

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