Back to the Grind

I would like to blog more but I just don't know how to do it. I left work at 5:39 tonight. It felt like I was leaving late, but I thought about how early that would seem if I didn't have kids. What would I do? I would go to the gym, maybe go grocery shopping after or meet someone for dinner or a drink. (Not that I equate grocery shopping with a social life.) And I would come home and realize how much time there still was before going to bed and maybe I would read something enjoyable.

I guess in a way I have done this because I ran circles around the house playing "chase" with Sprout for 5 minutes and did one 10-second downward dog, then met LJ for a drink (i.e. nursed him to sleep), put some frozen perogies and "chicken" nuggets on a baking sheet and ate them standing up well after they cooled down because Sprout screamed his head off about going to bed and I was stuck in another room upstairs so as not to disturb him further by walking past his room, then I read something enjoyable by fucking around on Facebook for a while. Actually I poked around on the New York Times which I do find actually enjoyable, in addition to Facebook time which I find pseudo enjoyable.

Being back at work continues to be not as bad as I might have thought but I am realizing just how much another kid changes your life and how selfish I would really like to be. I received some advice today that "the world favors a 4-person family." If we decide to "go for the girl" we will have to go for another vehicle because my Mazda3 definitely does not seat 3 car seats, and kids are in car seats these days until they are 12.

I have also been more sad about Blue lately than I would have expected. There is nothing about this time of year that is a grief trigger. In particular anyway. I was holding LJ the other day over my shoulder and he was so content, quiet and still. I was getting ready to go outside for a quick run but he felt so delicious and I whispered, "I will hold you forever." Which if course I won't and which of course reminded me that it was something I never did and could never do with Blue. A few moments later as I tried to put him down so I could leave I told him, "I can't put you down." And suddenly tears were just streaming from my eyes and they were happy and sad all at once and it was just so confusing.

I would say being back at work is actually kind of good, but I don't have enough time after work to see my babes, and I don't have any time after work to exercise, which is something I really enjoy besides being great stress relief, but that makes it even harder to see my babes but I think being away from them sometimes is good but then I hold them and I can't put them down.

LJ is still only three months old. Someone please tell me this is still hormones????