It's been nine years and it's really OK. I'm OK. I'm not sad today. I wasn't sad yesterday, and I won't be sad tomorrow. But today is Blue's birthday and I still remembered.
Maybe life has been too crazy lately...and yet not because you can't really go anywhere...how is that possible? But I haven't thought too much about the little boy I never really had, or his dad, or what life would be like now if he had been born sick or had we been lucky enough that he was born a healthy baby.
Not sure why I decided I should blog on this day this year...or this year at all...but while I'm here...
I did reach out to Chris. Finally, after realizing that I was having sadness surrounding the way that we completely split, that I didn't know anything about the person who was almost connected to me very intimately for the rest of my life, I emailed him. He has not responded. I'm OK. I didn't need him to say anything, or to fix anything, or to apologize for anything. I kept it brief, told him I had been thinking about Blue and about him and wanted to reach out, that I no longer harbored any ill will toward him. (Should I have apologized for calling him a piece of shit that one time on his voicemail?) I do, finally, forgive him. It's OK. We didn't know what the heck we were doing back then. Nobody expected a dead baby six months into pregnancy and nobody had the tools to cope with that. I waited until I knew I would feel OK if I didn't get a response. Maybe one is still coming, but I won't hold my breath.
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In reading over old posts I see that I skipped from "what is happening" to my period, to 25 weeks pregnant, and I want to be open about having had a miscarriage. It was early, there was never a heartbeat, and we were able to start trying again soon after. I think it took about 2 full cycles to get back to normal. In the end it took 14 months to get pregnant after the start of cycles after LJ was born, and we almost started some fertility treatments, but because I was on vacation for Day 1 the month we were going to start, I pushed that back one month and lo and behold got pregnant on my own. My husband says at least we got a nice stainless water bottle out of it. I wasn't really sad about miscarrying, but when the due date rolled around that was kind of a bummer. In the end I am happy to have had a spring baby instead of a fall baby for No. 3.
Speaking of No. 3, there is a No. 4 now. She was born in May of 2019. And I have to say that her birth has filled some of that hole in my heart that opened when Blue died. When she was born I couldn't believe I had 4 kids. Sometimes I still can't believe it. Things have leveled out now but I had so many complicated emotions after her birth. I was so sad that childbearing was over. (I mean, that's the plan!) I thought I would feel "done," but I didn't. And I wonder how much of that is still grief? I do feel much better now, and I know (like 96%?) that I do not want to have a fifth child, but there is so much to unpack. Another day though. (Work.)
Happy Birthday to my baby Blue. It's been nine years without you, and I never really met you, but I still miss you, and I love you always.
To be continued...(maybe).
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