Missing Little Person

How can you miss this little missing person so much? When I am sad and shedding tears for Blue, I can't comprehend it. I never held him, except all those weeks in the womb. I never saw him in the outside world, alive and breathing. And yet somehow I still think he should be a living part of my life today.

And I worry that AFF will confuse my longing for Blue with a longing for the life I would have had with Blue in it, and the ex and the who knows what else? Because I don't want any of that. I just want Blue.

I think I protect AFF from my true feelings, because I don't want him to think that I want the life I would have had. I want the life with AFF in it. I think I also protect myself, by not being truly honest about my sadness, because I am afraid AFF will call me "too needy" like lots of other guys and then he will be gone. I continue(d) to hide that second part from AFF, but as for the first, I told him. I wanted him to be sure I didn't want that other life, and when I said maybe sometimes I hide the longing from him, he said "Don't ever hide your feelings from me." And I think I cried because he is so amazing and understanding, and I knew I would never be too needy for him.

What a difference a year makes.

As for missing Blue, it's going on 9 months now. And I'm sure counting. 

Blue in Bloom

Blue's tree is in bloom! Someone told me that new trees can take a few seasons until they bloom. I don't know if he knows anything about horticulture or not. But I took it as a good sign. And added it to seeing the four-leaf clover. Which was recently ripped up by the landscapers. But I know it was there.

Anyway, just wanted to share a few pictures of the tree--an amelanchier. Oh wait, I did think of something poignant today:

All the white blooms on the tree?
A symbol of Blue's love for me.

Remedial Grief Instruction

Eight months approaching (since Blue died), and I'm back on Glow, keeping myself up late, wondering how things might have been. I am not sure what brings me back to the blogs after a period of time feeling good. Never feeling like I don't need them anymore, but feeling like I don't need them right now. Then suddenly I do. And I'm sitting here now and tears are pooling in my eyes but things are going well and I just don't know why I want to cry.

What is different now is that a little cry here and there is simply part of the routine. Part of the way I live. When the tears come, and I think I don't know why, I know they'll stop. I trust that they will no longer come at inappropriate times, although that could be because I'm not all that self-conscious anymore about crying at inappropriate times.

Sometimes I get really sad about the way I used to feel. Like if I read an old blog post of my own, and I mention that I would have liked to go to sleep and never wake up again, I experience that pain again. Only as if I am empathizing with someone else. The me I used to be. I feel bad for her.

Do I cry for her? For my past? Do I cry for Blue? Our lost future together?

Eight months of grief counseling and I can't answer these questions. I just want to cry. And then go watch TV until I stop.