Monday, April 30, 2012

Missing Little Person

How can you miss this little missing person so much? When I am sad and shedding tears for Blue, I can't comprehend it. I never held him, except all those weeks in the womb. I never saw him in the outside world, alive and breathing. And yet somehow I still think he should be a living part of my life today.

And I worry that AFF will confuse my longing for Blue with a longing for the life I would have had with Blue in it, and the ex and the who knows what else? Because I don't want any of that. I just want Blue.

I think I protect AFF from my true feelings, because I don't want him to think that I want the life I would have had. I want the life with AFF in it. I think I also protect myself, by not being truly honest about my sadness, because I am afraid AFF will call me "too needy" like lots of other guys and then he will be gone. I continue(d) to hide that second part from AFF, but as for the first, I told him. I wanted him to be sure I didn't want that other life, and when I said maybe sometimes I hide the longing from him, he said "Don't ever hide your feelings from me." And I think I cried because he is so amazing and understanding, and I knew I would never be too needy for him.

What a difference a year makes.

As for missing Blue, it's going on 9 months now. And I'm sure counting. 

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