Eight months approaching (since Blue died), and I'm back on Glow, keeping myself up late, wondering how things might have been. I am not sure what brings me back to the blogs after a period of time feeling good. Never feeling like I don't need them anymore, but feeling like I don't need them right now. Then suddenly I do. And I'm sitting here now and tears are pooling in my eyes but things are going well and I just don't know why I want to cry.
What is different now is that a little cry here and there is simply part of the routine. Part of the way I live. When the tears come, and I think I don't know why, I know they'll stop. I trust that they will no longer come at inappropriate times, although that could be because I'm not all that self-conscious anymore about crying at inappropriate times.
Sometimes I get really sad about the way I used to feel. Like if I read an old blog post of my own, and I mention that I would have liked to go to sleep and never wake up again, I experience that pain again. Only as if I am empathizing with someone else. The me I used to be. I feel bad for her.
Do I cry for her? For my past? Do I cry for Blue? Our lost future together?
Eight months of grief counseling and I can't answer these questions. I just want to cry. And then go watch TV until I stop.