Coming Clean

I should probably admit that my zen-like state about not getting pregnant when I wanted to was actually achieved by getting pregnant.

I am sorry to spring this on you if you are not in a good place. The only thing that makes me feel better about other people's pregnancy announcements, still, is being pregnant myself apparently. I've attended a baby shower, made up with my SIL, and listened to stories about my secretary's three pregnant nieces without losing my mind. I still stare at the bellies of visibly pregnant women and get pissed when I read tabloid headlines about "Baby Joy." And I realize that as other people's pregnancies are grief triggers for me, so are my own pregnancies. When I first found out I was pregnant, I thought about Blue a lot, and had some very sad times. Wishing so badly that he were here too. The grief has subsided again a bit, but I still think of him a lot more than I had been before getting pregnant.

I am 11 weeks now and just had the NT scan in which everything looked good. We caught the little bean cuddling his/her umbilical cord and we got some really cute 3D pictures. I had the MaterniT21 test and will get results later next week. I really don't even want to hear the results, but I suppose I will have painted myself in a corner if I say I terminated for the sake of the baby the first time, but then didn't give another baby that same consideration. It's much more complicated than that, I know. And of course, my breath will be bated until the baby is born alive and kicking and screaming anyway. BUT, it's really not that bad this time. I am NOT THAT SCARED this time around. I am not naive, like I sometimes wish I were, but I don't freak out every day about what could be going wrong.

So there you have it. I will be blogging more about this pregnancy, but not exclusively about pregnancy. If the past few weeks are any indication I will not be blogging much at all.