Monday, April 20, 2015

I'm Not Angry

This may sound angry, but I'm not angry about it. I'm really not. I'm a little sad. I am mostly neutral.

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend who was pregnant with her first and finally over the hump of the worst morning sickness. She knew about Blue all along and in fact was very supportive after he died. We were talking about morning sickness in pregnancy and I made a comment about how I felt with "my three." She interrupted and excitedly asked, "Are you pregnant?" And I said "No, but the dead one counts too." I said this in a light-hearted way, I mean, as much as possible. I wasn't angry in the moment. I wasn't sad. I know that she was thinking that maybe I was sharing some new news, not reminiscing about the past.

But it felt kind of weird, like maybe I wasn't supposed to acknowledge my first pregnancy in the context of this conversation? That is what makes me a little sad. Either that Blue is forgotten or that I ought to be leaving him out. But if we're going to talk about first-trimester morning sickness, isn't it OK to talk about the pregnancy that lasted more than 25 weeks? I want to talk about that pregnancy sometimes. I want to remember it, not forget it. The conversation between us then just kind of died itself. Or moved on, or whatever. It wasn't that awkward. But I felt kind of ... silenced.

I'm not angry. But I'm not cool with that either.


  1. These are the worst moments. I hate them. I talk very openly about my first pregnancy and then also my pregnancy with my only living child. I may just be seen parenting one child, but I was pregnant with another. That counts. I hate when it doesn't count to others.

    1. I know. It is really amazing when someone DOES remember though. That happens sometimes, though rarely, too.