Well. Last week was Blue's birthday. Only my favorite cousin remembered this year. Probably because I talked to her the week before and said it was coming. It's OK. I wasn't that sad. Honestly, I was way more focused on missed opportunities for a new job and getting kicked in the pants to finally move into high gear with the job search. I have an interview in NYC in two weeks. Not sure what I am thinking except that I can't let inertia be the controlling factor in this process. I could commute 2-3 days per week, at least for a while, until I found something local. It's getting desperate that our family needs more income. Our mortgage payment went up $146 per month due to an escrow shortage, and I don't think not escrowing is the right solution, so I realize we are now paying almost 50% of our take-home income on the mortgage. So as you can see I really don't have space in my brain for much else right now, including dead babies and unsatisfying personal relationships. Despite our income shortages, we have a lot of available credit on our credit cards so I am going ahead and booking a beach vacation for next month. It's irresponsible but I feel like saying "fuck it!" It's pretty affordable in the off season after all.
Maybe it's because of money shortages and looking for a new job, but something amazing happened in the past few weeks in that I no longer freak out when seeing pregnant women and families with a lot of small children. The rational part of me is finally starting to win out over the emotional side. Who cares what other people's families look like when that has absolutely no effect on the family I want to have? I'm not completely cured, but I'm slowly getting back to a place where 4-5 kids sounds like a ridiculous amount to have. I still stare at pregnant bellies. I still try to do the math when I see a young toddler and pregnant mom or newborn, and wonder if her kids are closer together than mine and how close and how can anyone be that fertile? But apparently a lot of people are. That doesn't mean they are having a better parenting experience than I am. Right? Sounds so funny when you say it aloud.
We are definitely going to try for a third (living child). We hope to have a girl. I don't know what we will do if we have another boy. I know for sure that I am not going past four. I thought I could be pregnant by now, but nature is doing its thing and I am not that upset about it. I am getting a progesterone, AMH (egg reserve) and TSH (thyroid) test on Wednesday to see if I'm ovulating and if everything else is normal. I'm kind of worried about getting these results actually. There's no reason to suspect a problem but I'm 38 now so who knows? We haven't used protection at all since LJ was born and he is 10.5 months now. I started my period at the very beginning of June and have had two more periods since but they have been super weird. Ideally I would get pregnant and be due in May or June, so I still have 2 chances to achieve that. The reasoning for that is so we can rent a beach house for the summer and spend my leave at the Shore. I can't decide if we will wait another year if we miss on that timing. I mean, that's kind of a non-reason to have a baby at that time. And I won't be getting any younger. I guess I will see what the tests show. I really don't want to start a new job and be pregnant or soon be pregnant, but I'm not sure I want to wait that whole year. Maybe I do. Maybe it would be nice to actually plan things to work out the way they would work best, rather than get pregnant as quickly as possible because my heart hurts without being pregnant. Maybe having LJ and his younger sister :) 2 3/4 years apart would be perfect. To be honest having the boys 23 months apart kind of sucked for a while, and it's only now getting slowly better. So anyway...dilemmas. (Not really.)
It's been four years and I think it just doesn't hurt that bad anymore that Blue is not here. I have 2 beautiful sons with me. I have a happy marriage. Mr. E reminds me that as long as we have our family we have enough. I'm speechless trying to tie this all together. Blue is part of our family, but we'll never have "enough" kids because he is not here. Of course we need money to live, but we need love and the amount of love we share is more important than the amount of money we have. I'm sorry that I can't stop and think that what I have now is good and is good enough. I've always been this way and maybe will always be. Um...yeah...