Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Pregnant In My Face

A friend of mine is having people out to the Hamptons this weekend for the film festival. I lived in East Hampton last summer and I absolutely love it out there, so I am/was really looking forward to it. Until my friend sent out an email about the film we are seeing on Friday night. It is something about a pregnant woman who questions her readiness to be a parent, with some other stuff mixed in, blah, blah. So it's not really a big deal, I don't have to go to that movie. But when I replied to my friend that I would skip the movie, he wrote back, "Why?" I don't know if he is having amnesia or if he thinks this shouldn't bother me.

Today I went to get my hair cut, thought maybe I would add some color, do something to spice it up. The last time I was there I was 20 weeks pregnant, and was chatting with the stylist about it of course. She predicted I was having a boy. She didn't do my hair today but she was working two chairs away, with about a seven-months pregnant belly. I should be eight months pregnant now. She must have known she was pregnant then but hadn't told anyone at work yet, or was just being nice by not talking about her own pregnancy. I was just so envious! I tried to remember if she is married, even though she is young, early 20s. I don't feel so jealous of married pregnant women; married women are supposed to have babies. I think she is. I may as well keep thinking she is.


I am realizing how much it hurts that NAWP didn't want the baby in the beginning. That he didn't want to be with me. How many 40-year-olds who say they want kids freak out when their girlfriends get pregnant? I know, it's not me it's him. I know, he is not the person I want to share my life with, or share a child with. I can think that. But I can't feel that, because if I feel it, then it's like Blue died for a reason. Anytime someone suggests that I wouldn't want to have kids with that asshole, I want to remind them that if my baby weren't sick, I would be having kids with that asshole.Women whose boyfriends aren't dipshits like mine make me more jealous. Stupid Seth Rogin and Katherine Heigel in Knocked Up make me jealous. I guess because if NAWP weren't a dipshit, we could still be together, supporting each other, and trying to get pregnant again. I know that his dipshittedness had nothing to do with Blue having CF. But it did have something to do with my decision to let Blue go. Overwhelmingly, we made the decision we made to spare Blue the pain and suffering he would surely endure. But I also knew that NAWP would not take care of a chronically sick child. And we had to be together on that. I don't know what I would have wanted for my own life. Right now nothing is worse for me than not having Blue.


I do not expect not to see pregnant women out and about. I am even okay around pregnant friends or friends with new babies. I don't want their babies, I want my own, and really it feels nice to fill my empty arms with a baby. But I do feel like it is in my face A LOT. Like today. Twice. And on the first interview I had after Blue, the woman interviewing me, who was wearing jeans and a loose button-down shirt for casual Friday, asked if the room was warm or if it was just her, since she was six months pregnant. I did not get that job. The day I went to the doctor for anti-anxiety drugs (not recommended, by the way), a week or two after delivery, the office assistant was pregnant. I went back to the dentist the other day to fill the cavities that he said could wait until after I had the baby...and discovered the office assistant was pregnant. All married pregnant people, but all pregnant in my face.

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