Today I cried for Blue. And only Blue.
This business about getting the ashes back from NAWP, I let it go. I realized that I just want to hurt him, I just want to take something away from him. And that has nothing to do with Blue.
And I know now that it was only our grief that kept us together. I do not want NAWP at all.
I am visiting my dear friend MP in Telluride, CO. In college I would say MP knew me better than I knew myself. As we made the three-hour drive from Grand Junction, I learned an important lesson. MP told me that only Blue could see the future. Not me, not NAWP. Blue decided to be here for as long as he wanted. And Blue chose me. Those "extra" 12 weeks, he chose to be with me. The tears were streaming down my face, as I realized that I could love Blue for what he was. Not for what I wished him to be.
MP told me not to lose that message. Love yourself, she said. Love yourself as you are. Love everyone as he is, not what you want him to be. See him as he is. Do not see what you want to see.
The sky here is an everlasting blue. I took a picture of pure, pure blue. I looked up and told my baby this whole sky was his. The whole sky was him. And I cried the purest tears for Blue.