This business about getting the ashes back from NAWP, I let it go. I realized that I just want to hurt him, I just want to take something away from him. And that has nothing to do with Blue.
And I know now that it was only our grief that kept us together. I do not want NAWP at all.
I am visiting my dear friend MP in Telluride, CO. In college I would say MP knew me better than I knew myself. As we made the three-hour drive from Grand Junction, I learned an important lesson. MP told me that only Blue could see the future. Not me, not NAWP. Blue decided to be here for as long as he wanted. And Blue chose me. Those "extra" 12 weeks, he chose to be with me. The tears were streaming down my face, as I realized that I could love Blue for what he was. Not for what I wished him to be.
MP told me not to lose that message. Love yourself, she said. Love yourself as you are. Love everyone as he is, not what you want him to be. See him as he is. Do not see what you want to see.
The sky here is an everlasting blue. I took a picture of pure, pure blue. I looked up and told my baby this whole sky was his. The whole sky was him. And I cried the purest tears for Blue.
E, I found your blog through LFCA. I am so, so sorry for your loss of wee Blue. I feel like in my almost five years in this corner of the 'verse that I've read about everything, and yet I still can't imagine how horrible it must have been to get that diagnosis. This coming from a mom of a daughter with (horribly fucked up) unknown birth defects. There are a lot of platitudes that you can tell yourself, and others can spill to you, but ultimately it's up to you to accept them or reject them, and sometimes you might do both within minutes of each other. It's better, it's worse, it wasn't meant to be, at least I know, it would've been miserable, it should have been absolutely perfect . . . . it's ok to feel all of this, all at once.
ReplyDeleteI am also so profoundly sorry that you've had to deal with this other crap on top of your loss. The loss of a baby is so paradigm altering, but to have to go through that AND the destruction of a relationship (and have it be a really sour destruction to boot) is really unfathomable.
Mainly I want you to know that you're not alone, though it must seem that way. I'm so glad you're writing because that in itself is a good sign that you're wanting to get some of this out. Oh, and you're not alone in EITHER issue -- there are others who've lost partners/spouses right on the heels of their losses, too. Hopefully you can connect with some of them so you know others have walked there and will see you through. Feel free to check out Glowinthewoods.com -- it's a big multi-authored baby loss blog I write for (only occasionally now), or email me at tashabf at gmail, and I can put you touch with some bloggers who have gone through similar.
Much love to you. I'll be thinking of Blue today.
Oh hon, I've just hopped over from Lost and Found too, what a full-on time you have had. I'm soooo sorry you are going through this, and that you had to make such a heartbreaking choice.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are writing, keep writing and hang in there, you WILL get there and in your own time, be good to yourself