Guess who answered his phone tonight? Why do I do this to myself???!???!!!!?
But I got to say some things I've been wanting to say. About how he chose not to grieve after we lost the baby. He immersed himself in his work, and I told him I understand that, but that that was a choice. It had nothing to do with taking care of me, as he claims. He was--is--angry about the way I left. My parents had offered to help me leave, but I told them I was taking care of it. I told NAWP I was going away for a few days on a Friday. On Saturday I told him I was leaving for good. My parents had come to help me drive back to their place. He doesn't know what changed between Friday and Saturday. He never asked for an explanation. He just wanted to be the one emotion he can feel--anger. I do see why he might be angry about the way things happened. I apologized as it all unfolded the way it did. Tonight I got to tell him that too. And I got to tell him how confusing it has been for me that he said he was worried about me, but he never reached out to see how I've been doing. That's when he said he was still angry.
I find it preposterous that he is angry about the day I left. What about everything else? What about everything I have to be angry about? But I'm not. Mostly. Instead I feel hurt. I feel the sting of rejection. The way that he said maybe we shouldn't break up, and then just let me go without any sort of fight. I don't know what I want him to do or what I want him to say. I woke up sad today, and I was just thinking of him, and I just wanted to call him. I've been feeling a bit better the past few days, visiting wonderful, supportive friends in Colorado and Prozacked sufficiently. But today was one of those backward-stepping days. I went to visit my second cousin's six week old twins. It was good, really, but tiring. And of course, it was a reminder of all I'll be missing come November. God, this hurts.