Too Soon

Please do not one more person suggest that I can adopt! First off, I KNOW my options. I thought about all of them when I first found out I was pregnant. It's like you want to deny me the experience of full-term pregnancy and childbirth. Yes, I did imagine what it might be like to have the baby on my own. No, I did not for one minute think about giving up my baby for adoption. And second, the other half in defective-baby-making is out of the picture, and with just one defective-baby-maker (me), the baby will be fine!

I wish it were that simple. I keep telling myself that we are a vocal few in this baby loss community. That there wouldn't be seven billion people on this earth if something went wrong in most pregnancies. But it is hard now, to not know all the stuff that can go wrong. Damn. Anyway...

.

I want to take this opportunity to comment on something that has nothing to do with Blue or even NAWP, whose name I am changing to SS going forward, which stands for "shit stain." I was running in the park the other day and I thought that the large, round, blonde approaching looked like she could be my arch-nemesis from high school. She was always big but in a muscled, don't-mess-with-me kind of way. I gave a collegial wave to my fellow runner as I ran by and realized that it WAS my arch-nemesis from high school. Like, forty (fifity?) pounds later. And I pumped my fists together in front of my body after I ran by and whispered "Yeeeeeeesssssssss!" And then a tiny voice in my head said, "I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend. Or whatever." I ran on and proceeded to develop a rash and have my eyelids swell up grotesquely in some unexplained allergic reaction.

.

It's been almost three months since I delivered Blue. As predicted, other people are starting to forget. I woke up sad today, but I only cried three times. No wait, five. Six. The day is not over.

It's too soon for me, everybody, to not be sad every day. It's too soon for me to tell you "I'm good," when you automatically--accidentally?--ask how I am. It's too soon for you to treat me like everything is normal. So please don't.

Today I should be 38 weeks pregnant. Two to go. (Though I was hoping for an 11/11/11 birthday.) So, you see, my baby should still be with me, in my belly, if not in my arms. And I am still thinking about him every day. I am still missing him and loving him every day. And still feeling like nothing will take the hurt away.

My Blue, you came too soon.