Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Yoga Didn't Work for This

I don't know how to deal with these sad days after a stretch of good days. Why didn't anybody warn me about how terrible I would feel about getting my first period in a long time? Is this the hormones talking? I don't know. Why do these cramps hurt so bad? This sucks!

It has not been a happy past two days. I am so sad about getting my period. Apparently I would like another "unplanned" pregnancy. (The first one really was, but it would be hard to call another one unplanned.) AFF, seven years younger than I and working a crappy job, (hey, better than me with nothing) does not seem afraid of the idea of becoming a dad in the unplanned near future. (This is why I also call him "the antidote": SS is eight years older with a successful career in IT consulting.) Which is so unbelievably amazing I just don't know how to feel about that. You would think perhaps I have something to be happy about. Yet it seems my one true love is Blue. Last night I went out to meet AFF because I was having a bad day. Tonight I refused to get together with him because I was having a bad day. Sorry, dude. And good luck. He is doing a fantastic job so far, however.

Also, I am "officially" job-hunting, and that is not exactly a confidence-booster. Not that I have even been rejected yet. But whatever.


I just found out my cousin had a miscarriage. My mom told me without any sort of prelude to troubling news. There is such a convoluted web of emotions spinning in my head and heart. Can I be supportive to her? How much is she suffering? How sad is she? How not sad am I? Is this her first loss? Is this better for me to know she had a loss, as opposed to learning she is pregnant? Are we really in a similar situation such that I should so obviously be able to relate, and to therefore be supportive? Because I am not sure that I can. I'm sorry that the news is troubling for my own selfish self. But I feel like my mom could've waited to tell me, could've waited until I wasn't having such a bad day on my own.

And she seemed to suggest that I can't keep asking people to exclude me from real life happening all around me. She wants me to stop feeling this pain so acutely. She thinks I need to work on it. I know she feels this because she is powerless to stop it. But she doesn't actually know if I should be in a different place from where I actually am. She doesn't know how much, weeks ago now, I thought about going to sleep one night and just never waking up. I know I am doing better.


After 3/4 of a bottle of wine, I am not such a good writer. But thank you, 3/4 bottle of wine, for dulling my emotional and physical pain like nothing else can. (And screw you, Aleve!)

And I'm sorry, new loss mamas, if you haven't heard, that getting your first period after losing your baby is another one of those triggers. Beware. And be strong, and be sad, and be okay with whatever and wherever you are. There is no timeline for this.

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