Sunday, December 25, 2011

Baby(les)'s First Christmas

I don't know why I shouldn't have expected Christmas to be a tough day. I just hadn't thought much about it with Blue. I'd thought about missing him on Thanksgiving, I'd thought about missing him for the family ski trip in February, but not really on Christmas.

My sisters and brother were with in-laws this year, so the annual brunch guests were mostly friends and neighbors. That was a relief. I spent the morning attending my Sitto (grandmother in Arabic) while her regular Sunday caregiver went to Christmas service. Sitto hadn't been feeling well and she didn't wake up once from nine until noon. She is 94 and has Alzheimer's, so I was a little relieved to not have to answer the same questions over and over about what I've been up to lately. I was also a little relieved to not have to be at my parents' house helping my holidays-stressed-out mom get ready for guests. But I was very alone on Christmas morning. I looked around at Sitto's decorations and photos and holiday cards...there were my niece and nephew, there was my one-year-old nephew...and there was a missing card of a missing newborn great-grandson.

My sister called and asked me how to modify a cake recipe. She did not ask how I was doing on my babyless first Christmas. I thought about SS and how it was Christmas and he wasn't going to call, about how he never called, not once since I left. And it was just so fucking sad. We shared nine months of our lives together, we shared the greatest tragedy of our--my life anyway--lives together. And nothing. A G-chat. I'm so sad I was so committed to this person. I am so sad I almost gave my son a father like that.

I returned home in tears with my parents asking what happened. Nothing. Nothing happened. I went out into the yard and sat in front of Blue's tree. I whispered to the branches, I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, sending energy from my heart, through Blue's tree, to the core of the earth, through Blue's tree, up and out into the universe, back through Blue's tree and back to my heart. "You're always with me, buddy." I looked up at his blue sky, I leaned over to kiss the skinny trunk of his tree.

I stood up in damp and dirty yoga pants, went inside to change into something suitable for guests and for Christmas. I drank two glasses of Champagne before I ate anything for the day. From then on it was easier to pretend there was nothing wrong.


  1. E,
    You and Blue were on my mind this Christmas. I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you were able to commune with Blue and his tree and hope that each day brings renewed strength and healing.
    Sincerely, Dspence

  2. Unless you have been there, it is so hard to understand the anguish that nothing happening brings. So much almost changed.

    I'm sorry you have had your first Christmas without Blue.