Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Dreaming In Color

Grief is not a linear path. I recognize the inverse relationship between my blogging and my happiness.

I wasn't writing very often for a stretch--things were going well. I was meeting people who might be a in a position to give me a job. I was spending time with AFF and other friends. I was "doing stuff." I still am...on all counts...but things are not going well.

I blame the holidays. I blame the neighbors' stupid floodlights that shine into my room and have chased me to another bed most nights. I blame the all-too-life-like, Prozac-induced dreams I have each night. They are crazy and vivid even though almost exclusively still in black and white.

In the early days I didn't want to go to sleep because I didn't want to wake up. These days I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want to dream.

Last night I dreamt of a positive pregnancy test I kept hidden in a linen closet. When I woke up in the morning I really didn't know that I hadn't woken up in the middle of the night, peed into a paper cup, saw two blue lines, and learned that I was pregnant. Once I figured out it wasn't true, I didn't expect not to be a in sort of funk all day. I just didn't expect the funk to keep deepening as the day wore on. Now it's almost time to go to sleep, but I am fighting it, and I am tired but I am sad and I am angry.

My grief is anything but pure today. It is so much anger and frustration it is rage. I am irritable. I am belligerent. I am hopeless and depressed about the other crap in life. I am brittle, unpredictable, and utterly inconsolable.

I blame the babyless-ness.

1 comment:

  1. Ugh! What a horrible dream. The last thing you need is reminders in your dreams too.

    You are completely correct about grief moving in a non-linear fashion. After a while I got to the point where I threw myself into the good days and enjoyed them as well as possible because I knew they were temporary. The inevitable, beyond-bad days are temporary too, but it doesn't feel like it when you are in the midst of it.

    The rage parts of grief are just as necessary as the sad parts (but not as socially acceptable). I'm sorry you had one of those days.

    (((hugs))) my friend. Wishing you peace today.