Saturday, January 7, 2012

Anywhere But Here Revisited

I wish I could do a little cyber-stalking of my ex. Not sure why I am suddenly curious about him. I guess it just feels strange to go from living together to never speaking again in the course of about a week.

I totally kid myself by saying I am "suddenly" curious about him--I've sort of been wanting to cyber-stalk him for a while now. He has a really common name though, so I can't google him for the news. We never became friends on Facebook. I don't know what is more strange, being Facebook friends with your spouse/partner or not being Facebook friends with you spouse/partner.

My thoughts about SS are softening. I don't feel so angry and hurt when a thought of him flutters across my mind. I would still inflict pain to his private parts if I ever saw him in person, but unfortunately he doesn't have to worry about that since we live 200 miles apart. But I do wonder--is he dating someone? Is he pining for Blue? Is he pining for another baby? Is he happy he got away with not having the child he didn't want to have? Has he admitted to being in love with his best friend, the one to whose son he is a godfather? The one whose son SS wanted to call my son's brother? So gross, I know! (And no, the godson is not actually SS's son. And yes, I have considered that.) A few weeks ago I found myself revisiting the gag-inducing conversations and things that were just weird about SS, and our relationship. I pushed that down thinking that was best for my family. Maybe it was. But it was bad for me. With the benefit of hindsight, I realize that I should have left SS while I was pregnant, before we got the bad news. He insisted he wouldn't abandon his child, and I really thought I needed his help, but now I see that I didn't. SS thought I would need his help too, though I'm not sure he would have known how to give it. He didn't demonstrate to me that he could do anything for someone else except buy things. I know that counts for something. But that just emphasizes our incompatibility. I don't care about "things."

A few weeks ago I lamented in a half-written, unpublished post that I loved my baby, hated my ex, and hated that I couldn't separate the two. But slowly I am. Losing Blue was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Losing SS may have been one of the best. Yet one could not have happened without the other. I still struggle to reconcile those facts. Because they are facts. No SS (good?), no pregnancy (bad; therefore SS good). No live child (very, very bad), no SS (very, very good).

But I am realizing that my grief and my relief are not bound by the same circumstance. Losing Blue (grief), losing SS (relief, albeit painful). I am starting to think about "the early days" as being different from where I am now. In another unpublished post titled "Anywhere But Here," I meant for "here" to mean my life, my state of being.

I may still not like where I am, but I am getting somewhere.

1 comment:

  1. I hear you. It took me a long time to split-off the grief for my son from the relive to have gotten out of a bad marriage (both happpened within 3,5 months). Losing the only person who knew Sky seemed like having no one to grief with.

    Glad I have my blog now - a safe place to vent my feeling without restrictions and getting a lot more support than I ever had in my marriage. Totally second this one: "I may still not like where I am, but I am getting somewhere."