Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Graduating Class

It occurred to me the other day that other mama's babies have died since I lost Blue. It's going on five months now since Blue was born still...there are a lot of other mamas whose babies have died since then. I wonder whether it's time to become a shoulder to cry on, instead of being a crying mess myself.


I took a break from reading blogs and reading grief books and from submerging myself in the land of the babylost. I stopped staying up late into the night, trying to prolong the day. But I'm back. I have more to do every day, I have to start it all early, and yet I am staying up late, perhaps to find the time to grieve. I sometimes read my own blog posts, and I'm like "right on, yes, I totally relate to that." Right. That's because I wrote that. It reminds me of listening to a mix tape (mix CD just doesn't have the same ring to it) that I made, and each song that plays makes me think "I LOVE this song!" Right. That's why I put it on the mix tape.


I wish I could talk about some awesomeness going on. But there isn't any. I just can't be awesome ununderemployed and living in my parents' house. But there's some kinda-coolness: I started teaching snowboarding at the local anthill. It doesn't pay much but today I got paid to snowboard all day. I live in Pennsylvania, so no, it wasn't the kind of snowboarding you want to spend all day doing. But all in all, a good day of work.

I also feel like I can't be awesome without a pregnancy, without a baby, without a family, without a home of my own. I asked AFF what life might look like if we planned a pregnancy, instead of my hoping for an unplanned one, and his being okay with that. He agreed that other people would think we were idiots. And he agreed that that wasn't relevant.

So, yeah, maybe things ARE coming together just a little bit. I don't think about SS all the time anymore. I went through a spurt of anger over the deficiencies in him and in our relationship all along. Things that I would love to explain, so I wouldn't be the only one scratching my head over some strange behavior or comment by him, but I am no longer experiencing that anger and I don't want to right now.

I don't know. Maybe they're not. I told a friend yesterday that I had decided not to move back to Colorado any time soon. He encouraged that decision, warning that you can't keep running away from stuff. Thinking your happiness pertains to your physical location, and then changing location, is like changing chairs on the Titanic. You're still going down. You have to starting running towards stuff. The words rang true, but also reminded me of the pit of unhappiness that I have lived in, not just since Blue died. I feel like maybe I am running towards something, but in a desperate, lurching sort of way. Does that count?

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