I came home from work--yes, I am working for pay for three weeks!--and got out the "Sweeter Side of Amy's Bread" cookbook. I have been baking a lot lately, following a slight lapse. But since Blue died I've often buried my sadness in weights and measures of sugar and flour and butter and salt. Last night I had a dream though that I had put on a lot of weight, and SS was there to remind me of that. I am seriously considering a different anti-depressant. I can't stand these dreams.
Anyway...I got my period last week. I am always sad when I get my period, and the sadness just hasn't gone away. Yesterday I ran into an English teacher from high school. The last time I ran into her was in May, and when she asked if I had kids I said my first was on the way. Well, yesterday, she remembered, and asked about my "one," as she had said. I stammered that I'd had a late miscarriage. And she calmly said she was sorry, that she had had one too, but also had three children. In a phone conversation with an old friend who is trying desperately to have her first child, single and at age 43, I was told "you'll get your baby." Everyone seems to think so. But I'm still worried. I wonder if the time is now because it has been for a few years? Or because I am trying to fill the void left by Blue's death? To me, it doesn't even matter. But it seems to matter to the therapist/professional types. If I were married to SS, no one would say boo about my getting pregnant again soon. So why should it be different that I've found someone else? SS was just that, a shit stain. Oh! I called his voicemail the night of "family dinner" (see last, very very angry, post) to tell him he was a piece of shit. I apparently could not be any more insignificant to him, so why care that I took the low road? My friends and family should be happy that I want to move on in a way that feels right for me.
I am finally, happily, falling for AFF. I am so lucky. He is wonderful. He is a wonderful person for me. It's true I had a little freak-out recently that I met him too soon after moving back home, after leaving SS, after losing Blue. But then I realized, WHAT I am still waiting for? It was his shoulder I was crying on two Saturdays ago. It is he giving me advice that doesn't go against my grain. It is he coming to me to vent and ask for help. AFF is everything I said I always wanted but never found. He is not perfect. Neither am I. But he makes me feel so special, in spite of it all. In spite of all my imperfections. In spite of all my sadness. And to not be insecure in a relationship? Damn, that feels nice.
And with that, I will now enjoy a Blondie. With pecans instead of walnuts.