Friday, August 10, 2012

Grief Week Days Four and Five

Blue's birthday. One year ago today. So strange. So strange how much can change in a year. And how much can stay the same. I think I'm in chronic pain mode now, with occasional acute flare-ups. Today was hard, but like many days that carry significance, not as hard as I might have imagined. (But didn't imagine, because I already know this is true.) I changed my profile picture on Facebook back to the plain blue sky. I wrote there:
One year without Blue. Immeasurable joy lost, immeasurable pain displaced and endured.

I never publicly grieved there. So I shouldn't be surprised that there haven't been many comments. The important people know, or would know if they saw, what I mean.

My secretary took a vacation day yesterday but she sent me flowers at work. I hadn't cried all day until I saw them. I knew they were from her when I read the poem on the card. And I was so good about not thinking, "why didn't anyone ELSE send me flowers?" Except I guess I did a little bit. Things have been pretty good with my sister and sister-in-law lately, especially since I got pregnant again. Strike that, ONLY since I got pregnant again. But that's been a while now and I guess I just forgot that they would forget that today is Blue's birthday.

Which leads me to wonder if the ex remembered what today is. I thought about that a lot today. I thought about how he went back to work the next day. I thought about how he once called Blue "a corpse" and not "my son." And I thought, for my sake, for my sake and not even his, I hope at some point he found some compassion. That he had some sort of breakdown, and he realized that HIS SON DIED. For my sake. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, so I'm still angry. But it's not acute and it's not even chronic. It just flares up every now and then. 

I also thought today about how happy I am. I have a wonderful husband. When I need to talk about this stuff, the sadness and the anger, he listens. And he talks too. He wants this life with me. I'm expecting another baby boy. We're having a baby boy. We want this, both of us. And my job is good and I'm really starting to like it here, this place that I used to think was a fine place to grow up but that's all, thank you. It's not the same place where I grew up. And I like it. I didn't forget all that today. Because I don't know where I'd be if I weren't married, if I weren't expecting, if I weren't finally working, if I weren't living here now. I can guess, but I'd rather not.

One year later...I love Blue as much as ever, I miss Blue as much as ever, but I like my life. A year ago today, that didn't seem possible.

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