Grief Week Days Four and Five

Blue's birthday. One year ago today. So strange. So strange how much can change in a year. And how much can stay the same. I think I'm in chronic pain mode now, with occasional acute flare-ups. Today was hard, but like many days that carry significance, not as hard as I might have imagined. (But didn't imagine, because I already know this is true.) I changed my profile picture on Facebook back to the plain blue sky. I wrote there:

One year without Blue. Immeasurable joy lost, immeasurable pain displaced and endured.

I never publicly grieved there. So I shouldn't be surprised that there haven't been many comments. The important people know, or would know if they saw, what I mean.

My secretary took a vacation day yesterday but she sent me flowers at work. I hadn't cried all day until I saw them. I knew they were from her when I read the poem on the card. And I was so good about not thinking, "why didn't anyone ELSE send me flowers?" Except I guess I did a little bit. Things have been pretty good with my sister and sister-in-law lately, especially since I got pregnant again. Strike that, ONLY since I got pregnant again. But that's been a while now and I guess I just forgot that they would forget that today is Blue's birthday.

Which leads me to wonder if the ex remembered what today is. I thought about that a lot today. I thought about how he went back to work the next day. I thought about how he once called Blue "a corpse" and not "my son." And I thought, for my sake, for my sake and not even his, I hope at some point he found some compassion. That he had some sort of breakdown, and he realized that HIS SON DIED. For my sake. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, so I'm still angry. But it's not acute and it's not even chronic. It just flares up every now and then. 

I also thought today about how happy I am. I have a wonderful husband. When I need to talk about this stuff, the sadness and the anger, he listens. And he talks too. We...talk. He wants this life with me. I'm expecting another baby boy. We're having a baby boy. We want this, both of us. And my job is good and I'm really starting to like it here, this place that I used to think was a fine place to grow up but that's all, thank you. It's not the same place where I grew up. And I like it. I didn't forget all that today. Because I don't know where I'd be if I weren't married, if I weren't expecting, if I weren't finally working, if I weren't living here now. I can guess, but I'd rather not.

One year later...I love Blue as much as ever, I miss Blue as much as ever, but I like my life. A year ago today, that didn't seem possible.