Sunday, August 5, 2012

Grief Week Overview

How did I make it this far? It's the week of the anniversary of Blue's death and birth.

The weeks and days leading up to this have somehow made me tell three people at work that I lost a baby about this time last year. Which is probably a bit confusing since I am more than six months pregnant and married to a different dad. I guess I just want people to be gentle with me. I want to not be myself and not have people think I'm being myself. My boss tells me I can take a day off. Though I think I'd rather not. Last year I wanted the distraction of work so badly, but didn't have it, so I don't think I could pass it up this time around.

I think it took a year until I could feel that Blue's dying was "just so, so sad." Or to think, "I can't believe this happened to me...but it did." So much has changed in my life and I wonder if, horrendous as it was in the short term, in the long term I am actually better off. "It" being the shitty ex and the no job thing and the nowhere to be and the no one to be there for. Blue's brother will be his half brother, his brother minus the shitty ex part. So I wonder how much I'll wonder how similar the two would be? Yet I hate to feel I'm somehow better off that Blue died.

And how do you mark the day your baby died? If he died on August 8, but wasn't born until August 10, which day is it? If he died on the Monday a year ago tomorrow, does that mean tomorrow is the anniversary of the day he died? Or does it just mean this whole week is Grief Week, and I better strap in for the ride?

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