Today came the break down. The pain not as acute as ever, but more than before. Today was double-whammy day, because Blue died on August 8 last year then was born on the Wednesday of this week last year. There's not a lot to say. I just closed my door at work for a while and emailed my secretary (I know! I have a secretary!) that it was a sad day. I told her ages ago that I had another baby, but he died. And she shared too. Two miscarriages as she tried for one more child, neither one especially late nor especially early. Today she asked me if I was sad about my son, and I had settled down temporarily but when she called him my son I just welled up again. Of course he is my son. But not everybody knows that.
I am staying up too late every night and that doesn't help with coping and stuff. And it's about to be midnight again and my eyes are open. Today I remembered when I didn't want to go to sleep because I didn't want to wake up. It's not like that now, but it makes me sad to think that it ever was. And when I think of those things the pain is acute again. I was telling Mr. E that. His shirt took my tears, like it always does.
(And I need to go to sleep now.)